Anxiety, Exhaustion and making enemies in the film business

It comes in waves in my life, and so far this year it hasn't been around at all, but now it's back. I have this thick, dull thrum in my chest...like a ball of sickness perched on my sternum. I've been dreading waking up, and had little energy throughout the day. It's always been inexplicable. I can make a list of all the things going good in my life that I am thankful for, and still this anxiety sucks the life force from me. Perhaps it's chemical, but i don't believe in prescription drugs, except for recreational purposes that is....

Perhaps I'm just exhausted. I feel like I've been climbing uphill to achieve my goals my entire life, and yet still I can't escape the drudgery of working a job i hate just to stay afloat. I keep gambling and leaving my options open for when I can finally devote all my time and energy to doing the things that I love....but it's a far fetched dream. Maybe I just need a break from everything. I'd love to leave town for at least a month and not think about movies or music, or maybe just think about one thing instead of twenty.

In the last five years I have worked on about 30 films. I co wrote, produced, directed and starred in a movie that is lost in limbo and I've given up hope that anyone will ever see it. I have written another feature and shot a promo scene from it and am about to enter into the fundraising stage of that film. I feel as if I have cut my teeth. I feel like I have an understanding of how it all works. Many of the films I acted in are no longer on my resume. I've been in many that I am not proud of....wasted hours of time, working as hard as I can for people who's visions sometimes were not strong, people who did not have a sense of perfectionism or tenacity. Sometimes people are in the film world for the wrong reasons...maybe they just want to be famous, maybe they think it's easy. If making films was easy, then everyone would be doing it. But then there are people who I have loved to work for and that produced great films...I am not talking about them. They know who they are...
Lately I've been much more cautious about projects I enter in to...I just feel that I have suffered enough, and I work hard enough that I can be more choosy. A startup actor or filmmaker should get involved in any and every film they can. Even the bad ones were great learning experiences. I've upset some people by withdrawing from films... before anything was shot, of course....I would never walk off a production in motion.

Sometimes I think I have the wrong attitude for the film business. I got in to punk rock at an early age because I am strong minded and opinionated and I have to say what i mean honestly and I refuse to kiss people's asses. In the film world, no one is honest. Everyone is so congratulatory when someone just makes a film. They all pat the person on the back, regardless of whether it was good or not. How can we improve on our art if no one is honest with us? How can we up the bar if everyone is buttering everyone up in hope that someday they will be the next Craig Brewer and put them in their film? Let's have some frank, open and brutally honest discussion of all of our work and strive to be better. What have we got to lose? Maybe you'll grow some thicker skin. Y'u'll need it in life and especially in this business. Rejection is the name of the game.

Note to actors and filmmaker's: People want to go on and on about their connections in Hollywood. Don't listen to them. Keep doing what you do as well and as honestly as you can. If I had a nickel for every person that promised me something I would be rich. People in this business will want to make you feel as if you need them to get where you are going. You can knock on the same doors they can.

Alot of my anxiety may stem from seeing dishonesty all around me. I bust my ass everyday to make something honest, and then there are people who make shit and call it art and are lauded for it. Some of them cheat for it. I've played music most of my life and never earned a dime while watching people make the hip flavor of the month get record deals and go on big tours. I've spent year honing scripts while people film drivel and win awards. All I've got is honesty and integrity, but that doesn't pay the bills. Here I am, still in my work clothes, covered in filth, trying to figure out how to squeeze more energy out of myself to struggle uphill. I'm just fighting for the ball and if I ever get a hold of it it will run with it like you've never seen....