Thoughts on people trying to convert me....

People sometimes try to convert me. Or it's more like they just suggest an answer that they've found. Get me to read bible verses and such. I usually do. I'm open to hear some wisdom. I ususally never get some profound truth out of it. You know, the things you know with the core of your being?...that to believe otherwise would be to not exist? I'd argue that that feeling is a key to the "divine" and not words on a page or some ritual.


   A few weeks ago I was sick and sitting at a stoplight on my way to work. It was cold. I wouldn't have gotten out of bed except I couldn't afford to be sick. As I drove past the ugly urban sprawl I thought about how many banks and churches I was passing and I had a thought:


   You guys won already. Why would anyone try to convert me? 76% of American identify themselves as Christians. That's an overwhelming majority. Did you know that every U.S. president has been a Christian? About 88% of U.S. military are Christians?


Here's my point. Christianity has been the Religion of western Civilization for as long as there has been western civilization. And this is the world you have built. Congratufuckinglations. And this is why I wont convert.


I don't need a book to tell me that, if we are all the same, if we are all made from 1 (god) then nationalism and patriotism are sins. Would your Jesus want you drawing up political lines and fighting over resources?
   I don't need a book to tell me that it is wrong to destroy and pollute the earth so that a few can be rich and the rest of us can be controlled. The earth is beautiful and could provide everything we need as long as we take a good hard look at what we REALLY need, and not just silly shit that we want. Like snuggies and fleshlights. And that we should respect the thing that gives us life and the diversity of it and try to help protect the balance of it all.
   I don't need a book to tell me that we all have the same basic wants, and launching missiles at people and invading and occupying other peoples lands is wrong.


   My spirituality is governed by this knowing that comes from within my soul and I can't misinterpret it and I can't lie about it. I love seeing people that preach to me about how they have all these answers do the exact same shitty things that we all do. The only difference between them and me is that they talked all this shit and acted so self righteous. I only know what I feel is wrong and can only give you my opinion and the proof will be in the pudding in the end. I don't have to scare you with visions of hell, because you will create your own end. This is the world you've created now. Do you love it?


   I think Christianity is just a convenient loophole for people. It allows you to be in a club, but you don't have to do anything different. You can just say you believe it and do whatever you want and be forgiven. I don't have all the answers, but I'm SEEKING and LISTENING and not latching on to the safest and most convenient thing that was sold to me from birth. The world is fucked and you guys are still trying to get us all on your side but your shit is NOT WORKING. It's too vague, up for too much interpretation. How someone can call themselves a Christian and still be in the military blows my fucking mind. I interpret the words as promoting loving thy enemy and shit, but like I said....too many loopholes. I've asked enough questions and sought enough to where I KNOW what kind of world I want to live in. One without countries, borders and flags. One without banks and churches. One where I don't have to go to work sick because I'm so fucking broke. 


So please, leave me be. You won't convert me. You already have so many on your side, you can't possibly say that it's the small minority of non believers holding you back. That would be a sorry excuse. You guys have had control for so long. And I hate the world you've built. You can tell me I'm lost all you want. I went to your churches and I prayed and I prayed and never heard a voice from the sky, never saw proof of a caring deity. I honestly can't see how if Jesus is real how he would let so many people fuck shit up in his name. So, perhaps you guys aren't fucking up at all. Perhaps you're all doing exactly what you're supposed to do. Perhaps I'm in league with the devil. Perhaps in hell, everything will be lush and green, corporations will not rule, food and medicine and education will be free and  nations will not exist. 
   So, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go indulge in heathenism. I'm going to go walk my dog somewhere in the sunshine where it's pretty and not spend any money. Praise hail Satan.

It's easy to swim in the shallow end

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Now, this is not an indictment against them...the reason for a family's dysfunction could be speculated forever....blame could be chased back through generations and unfortunate circumstances like a pit bull chasing his ghost of a tail and never catching it. I love my family and am glad everything happened as it did. I learned all the lessons I needed to learn to get my mind where it is today, so I will take all the bad with the good.
   I guess troubled kids tend to gravitate towards each other because all my friends growing up came from broken homes and fucked up families. I understand now that your family is always supposed to have your back but as a teen it was more important for someone to "get" me. My family never "got" me and probably still doesn't. Perhaps that's a life long process.
   My friends and I adopted each other as our families, and I hold on to most of them today. Because we were all troubled, a lot of them succumbed to their various neurosees and addictions. I've probably lost more friends than a lot of people will have in their lives. My friends have kept me sane throughout the years and I probably would have offed myself long ago if not for them. From an early teen the most important thing in my life has been my friendships. My family may have bore my body, but my friends bore my soul, if you can dig it.
   That being said there is not much I wouldn't do for these people in my life. I'd scoop out my eyeballs with a red hot spoon, rip my heart out of my chest and stomp on it....take bullets...run through walls. But most of all I will be here for you. Swallow my pride when needed...listen, understand....empathize. I hoped that everyone I call friend would understand this about me...that they would consider me invaluable....not disposable.


   But I have to understand that everyone did not grow up like me. Some people grew up with a healthy family. Some people value money. Some people are so insecure about themselves that they get in to a relationship and forget their friends exist. Until that fails and then they need a shoulder to cry on. Some people do not value their friendships like I do. Some people go through friends like they do pairs of shoes. It sucks to know that someone you would bend over backwards for could easily walk away from you...or see you out and pretend you don't exist. It sucks that people will allow a rift to be, instead of getting to the bottom of it.

   I have some of the most difficult friends a person could have. stubborn, neurotic....assholes, if you will. But I love them with everything I've got, and expect no less from them. Sometimes I need to learn who doesn't reciprocate this feeling and finally cut them loose. If you'd rather be petty....If you'd rather use your drama as an excuse to not put any energy in to it then fine. It's easy to swim in the shallow end. Have fun in the pee pee with your water wings on.