Friday, October 4, 2013

Being bullied was the best thing that ever happened to me

   In the wake of the incident at Ole Miss, where some football players in the audience shouted out homophobic slurs during a production of The Laramie Project, the talk of bullying comes up again. Now, of course I think those guys are dicks, but when it comes to looking for a solution I think a lot of it needs to be in the victims growing a tougher skin. I mean, when that incident happened there should have been an usher to throw the jocks out, but a lot of people are calling for the guys to be punished, and I’m not sure that’s a good solution.
   
   Getting bullied as a kid probably formed me more than most things. I was a spazz in grade school, and in 6th and 7th grade, boys from the class above me would single me out after school. Sometimes, one kid would push me from the front while another kid would unzip my backpack and throw all my books and papers on the ground. They threw my bike in the ditch and several times they beat me up. I went to this bullshit private school with a bunch of entitled, white kids. The jock mentality reigned. I was no good at sports and that increased their ridicule and made them call me “fag”. My parents didn’t buy me the latest designer clothes and I was just weird. Being treated like that at such a young age made me really see them for who they were, and I wanted nothing to do with what they liked, wore or listened to. Hell, that’s why I can’t even watch football to this day, because all I can think of is that “These are the kind of guys that used to fuck with me”.
   
   But I didn’t tell on them,  that would have just made their retribution greater. No, I got pissed and I held it all inside for a while, letting it cook. And then I found some music that was as pissed off as I felt, and in that I found a subculture where it didn’t matter if you “fit in”. None of us fit in, that was the point. We were all the losers and the dweebs and the outcasts. I found theater which was where all the other weird kids were and punk rock and I became proud not to fit in.
And when I walked in to high school, the hierarchy meant nothing to me and I looked at all the kids who were supposed to be “cool” and thought “Fuck you. Why the fuck are you cool?”
And I took that anger and alienation and I relished in it and used it to create pissed off music and eventually I got to see things that most people never get to see, traveling around the U.S. and Canada and Europe in a van and by the skin of our teeth. Me, the spazz who used to shit his pants in the 2nd grade, Me, the loser who barely graduated high school, I had a voice now, an outlet and a family.

 I took what I learned from punk rock bands, the DIY way of doing things where we weren’t going to sit around and wait for someone to deem us cool, we were going to be real and make our own cool. I took that attitude and put it in to the avenues of acting and film, and I still get to do really cool shit to this day, things that most people aren’t doing, and it’s fulfilling and I feel free.
  
   And the fire that keeps me going is the bullies and the haters. All the people who told me I wasn’t good enough, or didn’t fit in or that I was going to be a loser. All the people that spit on me and called me names.
And maybe I am a loser. I don’t have a pot to piss in, but I’m alive and I’m chasing what I want. I see pictures of the people I grew up with and their beautiful families and their nice jobs and part of me wants that. But for the most part I’m proud of my life and what I’ve done and if I died tonight, I’ll have very little regrets.

   Are those football players that made fun of those performers at Ole Miss total dicks? Yes. Do I wish violent prison rape upon them with red hot pokers and fire ants? Yes. Do I think they should be punished? Not necessarily. You can promote tolerance, but you can’t enforce it. That will always backfire. There will always be assholes. We need more pissed off young people and then we need to teach them to channel that anger and hate-fuck society with their art. Tell me, what makes a more lasting contribution to the world, art or football? 


If I had grown up where everybody told me how rad and special I was every day, I would have turned out just like them. 

And besides, the only reason a football player would be making homophobic slurs is that they're in total denial of their sexuality. All guys who play or watch football are in the closet. I mean, you're checking out dudes. There's no way around it. You're in to watching dudes slam in to each other, and it's ok brother. It's 2013 and you can be whatever you want to be.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

God is my co-pilot

Recently, I drove to Alabama to work on a film. God rode shotgun.

Me: You know god, I really appreciate you letting me get this film role.

God: Ah, you know. You bust your ass all the time, and usually I throw obstacles in your path. I figured I could throw you a bone every once in a while. I really just want to see how much I can put you through before you give up. I’m like a slot machine at the casino.

Me: Well, I’ve felt like giving up a few times, but really I press on sometimes to spite you. Also, thanks for not making the truck break down. I know you like to pull that one on me a lot.

God: Yeah, well you’re an asshole. What can you do?

Me: You know what I was thinking?

God: Of course I do. I’m god.

Me: I was thinking that since I’m not too far from the beach, I’d like to swing down and see the ocean on the way home. I brought my camping gear. I’d be really nice to fall asleep to the sound of the waves, to smell that clean salty air and to take a swim in the morning.

God: That sounds like a plan (snicker)

Me: What? What was that?

God: Oh nothing. Let’s go to the beach.

Me: No really. Why’d you laugh?

God: No reason, dude. You’re being paranoid.

Me: Hmmm. Ok…

An hour and a half later, we make it to the ocean. We end up driving along the coast for a long time.

Me: What the fuck? There are high rise condos as far as the eye can see! I just want a little, dark, quiet piece of beach that I can set up a tent on.

God: Fat chance, you fucking hippy. If you want to stay at a beach around here, you need a reservation and $250 bucks for one of these fancy hotels.

Me: But I don’t want that! I prefer the world closer to how it was when you created it.

God: Yeah, brah. Why don’t we kick the hacky sack and get our chakras aligned.

Me: Why did you let these people build all this shit here?

God: Because fucking condos are fucking sweet! If you wanted to enjoy the ocean you should have thought about that when you were in high school and applied yourself more. You could have been a doctor or a lawyer, then you could afford to stay in one of these sweet condos and go parasailing. But no-oo-oo!

Me: But what about all that shit about “consider the lilies” and “camel through the eye of a needle”and all that? I thought I was doing the right thing by following my passion and not being so concerned with making money. I thought I was doing what you put in to my heart.

God: Yeah well, maybe I did put that in to your heart. And you know what I put in to the hearts of those rich people? Tha motherfuckin ocean, bitch.

Me: I’ve been driving for hours. I’m getting tired. All I want is 3 feet by 6 feet of earth to rest on.

God: Ooh look there! Fudpuckers! Isn’t that funny? I put that there, you know.

Me: I know. I wish you’d put a campground.

God: Pfft. Could I get delicious waffle fries and a hilarious t shirt at a campground? No.

Me: I am getting hungry.

God: Well look at all this good shit I made! Mcdonalds, Applebees, Waffle House…

Me: Ugh. I’ll pass, thanks.

God: Dude, let’s go in that store. The entrance is through a shark’s mouth and there’s like 9000 kinds of beach towels---

Me: I don’t want fucking beach towels! You know what I want? The sounds of the waves crashing on the shore, crickets in the grass, the stars in the sky---

God: (singing) This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, The age of Aquarioooooooous---

Me: Stop singing!

God: I’m sorry. I’ll stop.

Me: Thanks.

God: AQUARIOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUSSSSS!!!!

Me:  I hate you.

God: Don’t take my name in vain, brah.

Me: My eye is hurting. I can barely see out of it. Can you please make it stop?

God: You’re doing it again.

Me: What?

God: Asking me for shit.

Me: Well, it was drilled into my head since I was a kid that if I asked you for something and I had enough faith then you’d help me.

God: Maybe you don’t believe enough.

Me: I’m talking to you aren’t I?!?

God: Motherfucker have you ever heard of the holocaust?

Me: *sigh* of course I’ve heard of the holocaust.

God: Don’t you think all those people were praying to me for help?

Me: Yeah, why didn’t you help them?

God: I work in mysterious ways, motherfucker!

Me: Well, if you don’t help the people that ask you, what’s the point in believing in you?

God: You have to tell me how rad I am or I’ll make you suffer.

Me: People suffer anyways! What are you going to do? Let the earth be destroyed by greedy motherfuckers, make us all die of cancer? Eventually take everything that we care about away from us? All that is going to happen anyways! Plus, if you are all encompassing then you created all the terrible shit too. So if you don’t help us when asked, created everything good and terrible and are going to do whatever you want anyways, why should we praise you?

God: I just want to be loved.

Me: You sound like a needy girlfriend. If you are omniscient and omnipresent, then how is it that you have needs and wants? You should be complete. You shouldn’t need or want to be loved by lesser creatures---

God: Look, there’s a TGI Fridays! Let’s pull in there and get some Shrimp Fajita Won Ton Cheddar Poppers.

Me: That’s it! I’m pulling in to this Wal Mart parking lot! My eye is swollen shut and hurts like a motherfucker, I’m tired, I’m afraid I’m going to get in a wreck, there’s no hotel vacancies and if there were, I couldn’t afford one anyways! I’m going to sleep in the truck unless you want to help me!

God: nope.

Me: Ugh! Thanks for everything!

God: You should be thankful you even have an eye. Some people are blind.

Me: Really? Really ,God? Yes, I’m thankful I have my eyes. It doesn’t mean that one of them doesn’t hurt like a motherfucker right now and isn’t working properly. Do you tell blind people that they should be thankful because some people don’t have heads?

God: Some people don’t.

Me: Good night, god.

Some time passes….

God: You asleep?

Me: I’m trying.

God: Ok sorry. I’ll be quiet.

God: How about now? You asleep now?

Me: Yes.

God: Good, because I have a surprise for you.

Me: Is it a campsite?

God: Nooooo.

Me: Is it a hotel room?

God: Nooooo.

Me: Then what is it, God?

God: It’s this cop about to fuck with you!

Me: Oh Jesus!

Cop taps on the window and shines a light in my face

Cop: What are you doing ,son?

Me: I’m sorry, officer. I just needed to shut my eyes for a second.

Cop: You been drinkin?

Me: No sir, not a drop.

Cop: Well, this aint no rest stop! This is Wal Mart! Now you either need to go buy something or get out of here before I take your ass to jail!

Me: Yes sir.

I drive off.

Me: Thanks a lot, God.


God. You’re welcome. You know what? I’m sick of you. I’m gonna go hang out with Ben Affleck. Call me if you need me….Ha! yeah right. You’re an asshole.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Friend reviews for 2012

Everyone reviews their favorite movies and albums from the past year. I decided I was going to review a lot of my friends. this is in no particular order. I just scrolled through facebook. If you didn't make the list, you need to try harder.

Craig Morris- Nice dude. Needs to write more songs about farts.
Ben Abney- Totally solid. Has a sweet beard now.
Raney Azada- So fun to offend with my potty mouth.
Ryan Parker- One of my favorite people to work with. Can go from nicest guy to raging asshole in the blink of an eye. His farts smell like whatever he ate mixed with some shit.
Melanie Addington- I have nothing bad to say about this person.
Jessica Morgan- One of my favorite people to make fun of. I live for it. Not batshit crazy, just stupid sometimes.
Parker Hays- I have your strobe light, brah.
Woodsy- "I swear I'm never drinking ever again".
Ryan Azada- a positive influence on a totally jaded old fuck like myself. Will turn in to a raging asshole in 15 years just like me.
Kari Fleskes- Her creativity and drive are inspiring, but she's probably crazy. Dont tell her I said that.
Mark Allen- Man, one of my favorite people. Always makes me happy to be around.
Luke Hall- In a tie with Shawn Apple for King of all Dicks. Doesn't want to do our totally funny Love Translators blog that he doesn't even have to get off his fat ass for. His brutality is awe inspiring.
Leanna Morris- We've been the butt of each other's running fat jokes for over 20 years. The person I love to hate. We secretly have feelings for each other.
Matt Martin- makes me rent crusty old movies. Doesn't have Good Burger in his store. Besides that fact, super smart and awesome to talk to. One of my favorite new friends.
Bill Walker- Shares my love of smooth hits from the 70's and 80's and living the life of a rover. Some girl told me he has the biggest dick she's ever seen. I believe it because we're brothers.
Heather Potter- I miss these assholes
Camille Means- Totally inspired me by getting the fuck out of Memphis. Probably hates me because I didn't see her when she was in town. That's ok. I love her and she'll get over it.
Ceylon Mooney- taught me discipline. Has beefy tittyballs.
Danielle Costello- My favorite poopy pants. wish we could go to perkins.
Victoria Skye Cleveland- Only likes sandwiches, Harry Potter and Cats.
Erica Edwards- loser
Megan Wingo- Made me a sweet mix cd of smooth music. thinks I'm not working hard enough to get out of memphis. is wrong.
Cheri Carr- Calls me "papi"
Jeremy Benson- awkward phone conversations
Anthony Siracusa- Another dichotomy of positive influence/ total dick
Marvin Stockwell- Public relations. Nicest dude ever.
Shawn Apple- Tied with Luke Hall for King of all Dicks. Doesn't like anything. First man in existence to be pregnant. I'm so happy for him.
Jennifer Petro- One of my favorite people ever. Totally solid. I can't even make fun of her. so sad.
Mark Jones- Must be delusional for putting me in his movies. He's so nice that I think he's just being charitable. I think he thought i was a "special" kid who's dying wish was to be in a movie.
Chris Hooper- Doesn't know shit about work.
Chris Gray- one of the most positive people I know. Has orange hands.
Diana Ramirez- My favorite Mexican person.