It's easy to swim in the shallow end

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Now, this is not an indictment against them...the reason for a family's dysfunction could be speculated forever....blame could be chased back through generations and unfortunate circumstances like a pit bull chasing his ghost of a tail and never catching it. I love my family and am glad everything happened as it did. I learned all the lessons I needed to learn to get my mind where it is today, so I will take all the bad with the good.
   I guess troubled kids tend to gravitate towards each other because all my friends growing up came from broken homes and fucked up families. I understand now that your family is always supposed to have your back but as a teen it was more important for someone to "get" me. My family never "got" me and probably still doesn't. Perhaps that's a life long process.
   My friends and I adopted each other as our families, and I hold on to most of them today. Because we were all troubled, a lot of them succumbed to their various neurosees and addictions. I've probably lost more friends than a lot of people will have in their lives. My friends have kept me sane throughout the years and I probably would have offed myself long ago if not for them. From an early teen the most important thing in my life has been my friendships. My family may have bore my body, but my friends bore my soul, if you can dig it.
   That being said there is not much I wouldn't do for these people in my life. I'd scoop out my eyeballs with a red hot spoon, rip my heart out of my chest and stomp on it....take bullets...run through walls. But most of all I will be here for you. Swallow my pride when needed...listen, understand....empathize. I hoped that everyone I call friend would understand this about me...that they would consider me invaluable....not disposable.


   But I have to understand that everyone did not grow up like me. Some people grew up with a healthy family. Some people value money. Some people are so insecure about themselves that they get in to a relationship and forget their friends exist. Until that fails and then they need a shoulder to cry on. Some people do not value their friendships like I do. Some people go through friends like they do pairs of shoes. It sucks to know that someone you would bend over backwards for could easily walk away from you...or see you out and pretend you don't exist. It sucks that people will allow a rift to be, instead of getting to the bottom of it.

   I have some of the most difficult friends a person could have. stubborn, neurotic....assholes, if you will. But I love them with everything I've got, and expect no less from them. Sometimes I need to learn who doesn't reciprocate this feeling and finally cut them loose. If you'd rather be petty....If you'd rather use your drama as an excuse to not put any energy in to it then fine. It's easy to swim in the shallow end. Have fun in the pee pee with your water wings on.