false security

When I was 30 I felt this fear steal over me. It had always been there, just gnawing away in my guts...tossing and turning at just the right moments. It was a fear that drove all my decisions in life as an adult. As a kid, it was quieter. I had hope. I believed the universe HAD to give you exactly what you imagined if you believed it hard enough. I had always envisioned what my life would be like at thirty. Married, kids....perfecting the established formula....succeeding where my parents and the families of most people I know had failed.
   I looked around at thirty and saw my friends married, having babies...I thought....wait, that was supposed to be a part of my plan....i must have failed in some way....


   I thought about buying a house, settling down roots and living like an adult. I started paying rent on a 750/month two bedroom with a pool, and workshops and gas fireplace and washer and dryer. I had central heat and air that worked right for the first time in years. I was trying to get my credit straight to purchase it. I was on my way to the American dream.


   I remember being out in the cold, after dark, right before Christmas trying to finish a carpentry job. Miserable. 4 degrees outside. I had a girl waiting on me at home that I was head over heels for. I would come home and make dinner while she studied and we would drink wine and make love in front of the gas fireplace. Yep, all that lame shit.
   But the stress of worrying about bills pushed me down like a boot on my chest. Things began to break and wear out on the house and my time, energy and money to fix them could not keep up with how fast they broke. 
My truck broke down, my cat died and I began to notice my girlfriends's insanity. I resented my job and my own insanity began to obscure my vision. I was enveloped in a dark cloud of doubt, stress and worry. The serpent of anxiety sat coiled on my sternum and feasted in my chest.


I had to do something before I lost my mind. I bailed on the house and moved back in to the tiny back house I had lived in years ago. I had to downsize all my possessions to do this. I took only what could fit in a small bedroom, kitchen and bathroom.
Soon after, the woman proved herself to be absolutely insane. the most poisonous person I had ever met in my life.


It didn't take long for all the foundation of security I had been trying to build around myself to crumble. I decided to relish in it. I got hungry again. All I had to count on was all the dreams I had when I was a kid before the fear set in. I plunged myself into self improvement. I finished a script I'd been working on for damn near 10 years. I started working out more, My lovers became hope and accomplishment. Acting out of desire instead of fear, I began to build myself up again.


I realized that no hoops we jump through can protect us from the inevitable. We are all going to be alone and sick and die at some point. No amount of comfort, tangible or intangible can cushion us from our impending loss. and we all go out the same way, empty handed and alone. 
The only thing i feel i will be able to take with me is that sense of accomplishment. That i didn't waste my time pinching pennies, that I let it all ride for something ultimate.


   I'm not saying that the fear never comes around. How will I make rent tomorrow? How will I take care of my parents when I'm older, and will I always be alone?
But I'm chasing a fulfillment that I think cannot be taken away. My soul knows which way to go and rebels at every wrong turn. I would love to know there's a guiding force whispering to it, directing me to a greater purpose....but I can't count on it. I've never heard your God in the ceiling and have stopped listening. There's a different feeling in my chest. It's more of a pull now than a push.My religious friends will tell me that it is god guiding me, but I've learned to not have faith. Just hope for the best and expect the worst. But understand your purpose. The thing that you were made for. For me, it's the things that make the doubts and fear go away. I wish I believed there was something to catch us when we make a leap of faith....some kind of wind to throw caution to.....but like that song says..."if I die tryin now, I wont die wonderin how life would've turned out".

It doesn't scare me to believe in nothing. Everything in life there is to have faith in has failed me at this point....Family, nation, religion, relationships....I find a comfort in the instability of it all. the only thing you can count on is that you can't count on any of it. It is fluid and you have to be fluid with it. 


Security is an illusion. Definitely in this life....so why not the idea of security in the afterlife as well? All the fairy tales were lies....but that's a good thing. If we throw them all out then we wont have this thing we're trying to live up to and failing.

Well, enough drunken 4am writing. good night.