Updated 10 Commandments for 2011!

   This is serious. While I was driving through Pigeon Forge, TN today...God spoke to me. He told me that I was to be his new prophet on earth. What, you don't believe me? Why not? Does that sound ludicrous? God speaking to someone? Well, you believe all the other prophets and they all lived thousands of years ago. You know me. I would never lie to you. Look me in my face and tell me I'm lying. Well, I don't care. If you don't pay heed to my words you will all burn in eternal damnation for all eternity, so says the man upstairs. I could give a fuck whether you listen or not.
   Now, everything gets updated. You wouldn't use the Webster's Dictionary from 1806 (the first year it was published). You wouldn't use a phone book from 1982. You wouldn't shop for clothes from a catalog from 1993. Well why the fuck would you base your entire morality and spirituality on a book written in the fucking Bronze age? God sent to me the amendments and corrections to the ten commandments and now I'm giving them to you. Enjoy.


1. I am the Lord your God.
    I know I created this perfect place, but then I filled it with sub moronic dip shits so that you'll never get to fully enjoy it. Eventually it will just be a big pile of shit, but isn't this a really fun game? Thou shalln't be seein no other gods or it's over.


2.You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My Commandments.- 
    
Ok, this is still the original, but I'm gonna have to call shenanigans against god here. If I did make a fucking statue of a pile of dog shit and started worshiping it, and praying to it and asking it for stuff I would probably get THE SAME FUCKING PERCENTAGE OF MY PRAYERS ANSWERED. Try it folks. Direct all your prayers for the next month to a pile of dog shit. I bet about 50% of em get answered, unless your asking for some bullshit like being able to sprout wings and fly. Now, on to the jealousy part. Isn't jealousy a sin? Isn't that something that 5 year olds do? If you're a fucking omnipotent all knowing all powerful being then why are you acting like my bitchy ex girlfriend? You're the one who never calls, always bein all mysterious and cryptic an shit. Of course we're gonna start seein other gods. And what's this about visiting iniquity on my kids and their kids and their kids? What are you gonna do god? Are you gonna surround everyone with morons who destroy everything beautiful on the earth? are you eventually gonna give us all cancer and take away our friends and grand-mommas and dogs and shit? oh, wait you were gonna do that anyways? Fuck off.


3. Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain-

   This is one of the biggest misinterpretations ever. Saying "goddammit" is not bad! In fact, you are simultaneously recognizing God's existence AND holding him responsible for some bullshit he created. It's really redundant, though because if something sucks bad enough that you want him to curse it, it's already been cursed! Being shitty is punishment in and of itself! Taking god's name in vain is when you tell people: "God wants me to go to war in Iraq", or "God wants me to bone your virgin daughter". THIS IS REFERRING TO WHEN YOU USE THE NAME OF GOD TO FURTHER YOUR OWN END. The shit I wrote above doesn't count because I'm not gaining anything from this. in fact, I'm wasting time and probably creating some enemies.


4. Chill out on Sunday. 

Or some fucking day of the week. Goddamn, you can't take it with you. Money ain't everything. Quit working so hard and smell the goddamn flowers. shit.

5. Humor thy father and mother.
   Yeah your parents can be dicks, but they're only human. They're not always right though and sometimes you gotta put them in their place. If you aren't one step ahead of them mentally and spiritually then you're fucking up. They made their mistakes for a reason. So that you don't have to. Just humor them and then go do whatever the fuck it is you want to do anyways. That's what grown folks do.


6. Thou shalt not kill my buzz.
   There's a lot of people out there trying to fuck it up for everyone. They were usually the hall monitor back in grade school. Then they graduated to bully/ jock/ dickhead. Now they're a fat ass cop with something to prove just trying to fuck with you. There are those people who get their jollies having power over others. There are people who are greedy and destructive and contribute nothing to the world. God says it's ok to murder those people for a while.

   Let's face it. The world is over crowded. Capitalism has created a glut of humanity. Something has to give. The books have to be balanced. I'm making murder legal, but you have to do it WITH SWORDS. Yep, don't be a pussy. War is still wrong because you're just a little bitch punching in coordinates and making bombs fall on peoples mommas and grand-mommas and babies just because Uncle Sam tells you to and you never read a book on global politics. With your 5th grade understanding of government you're willing to take people's lives. Well, you're a fucking pussy. I say if people want to fight, go hack at eachother with swords. That way you really have to get in the action. So feel free to chop up the guy that looked at you wrong in traffic or the guy using a leaf blower next door. We'll lose a lot of people really quick, but then I guarantee you people will eventually be nice as hell. They'll be plenty of elbow room and we'll all be friendly as shit to one another sos we don't get sliced in the face. Thus spoketh the Lord.


7. Thou shalt not commit adultery

   Unless you're not the cheater. Look, THEY made a commitment and it's not YOUR job to make sure some dude's wife isn't acting like a whore. It's also cool to have hot swinger action. Then thou shalt giveth high fives.


8.Thou shalt not steal from individuals.
   Capitalism is actually rooted in theft and murder and therefore inherently wrong. It used to be that all the indians were walkin around naked, huntin and smokin weed an shit. Then fucking white people had to come along and fuck it up for everybody. Some rich guy's ancestors killed some indians and now his decendants own Wal- Marts, are disgustingly rich and get blown by super models while licking the grease from mutton off their fat fingers. So steal from Wal Mart, chop these people up with a sword and commit adultery with his wife.


9. Thou Shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

  It ain't my baby, Maury. swab my mouth.


10. If your neighbor has a bunch of cool shit, don't be hatin' an bein all jealous an shit.
   His house is huge but he will work himself to death with the note. His wife is fine, but an insufferable bitch. He's rich but his kids will grow up like shit heads. His car is nice but he will wrap it around a pole driving home drunk from a shriner's meeting. Everything comes with a price. You're probably cool right where you're at.


   Lastly, God wanted to throw in some extra commandmets:
11. Thou shalt not talk in the movie theater. You know who I'm talking to.
12. Thou shalt not drive 30 in a 40.
13. Abortion is OK. (see commandment 6)

14. Being gay is OK. 
   Like I said, there's too many people. Think of it as nature's kind way of population control. And think about this. God created the universe in all it's immensity that stretches infinitely, not only outward but inward. The majesty of the highest mountain range and the largest, deepest ocean are but insignificant specks in the cosmos. Do you really think god gives a fuck about a dick in a booty hole? Use your fucking brains people. Plus it just means more chicks for the prophet, Mr Walker.


15. Use your fucking brain. 
   It's what i created it for. Think for your fucking self. You are as equal a part of the creation as anyone or anything else. You have a direct line to the spark which fires everything. The answers can be found within you and all around you. You don't have to listen to stone age superstitions and fairy tales. Thus spoketh the Lord.