on dating crazy people....

I always hated it when dudes say stuff like "All bitches be crazy". I knew this was of course, not true. Yes, there are differences in the way men and women are wired and sometimes things clash. Sometimes I wonder if even the clashes are part of the overall plan...like maybe there comes a time when we're supposed to be repulsed by each other. Maybe the idea of a family unit is something man made up, but nature had an entirely different plan. I think about stuff like that all the time...how our system of morality is directly at odds with the way our natural instincts tell us to act. Which one is right? The higher self versus the lower self. God vs. the Devil...the devil not being evil in this case but just an adaptation of the great god Pan, lord of bestial urges....

Here lately, though I've encountered true insanity in my involvements with women. At least, I think it is. The most recent episode was insanity without a doubt and it makes me wonder....is insanity becoming more prevalent with the times? How do these people function in the real world? Last night I tried to use reason on an insane person. it never works. You know someone is insane when you could illustrate the most well thought out and reasonable idea and they counter with the one thing they are stuck on. Last night I spoke calmly and made sense while someone just looked me in the eye and repeated "you're a piece of shit". I had a crazy ex who would always answer "you're attacking my character". I could make a power point presentation of reason and logic with graphs and pie charts and in no way be attacking her character and she would just repeat "you're attacking my character". Someone else I know says "don't threaten me". Arguing with a crazy will just wear you out.

   Another person I was involved with recently had a conversation with me and then several hours later denied ever having that conversation. She did a lot of other things and at some point i told her she was batshit crazy. I'm not 100% sure she is, though. I think sometimes people are manipulative and unaware of it. It reminds me of that book, the Celestine Prophecy. Now, think what you will about that book and there is definitely some hippy dippy bullshit in there but the part about "control dramas" is right on. Basically, if every interaction between humans is an energy exchange, people develop involuntary methods of gaining energy in different situations and feeling victorious over others and generally they don't even know they're doing it. People learn these from their parents, mostly. There are 4 main ways people draw energy from others in this manner: intimidating, interrogating, playing a victim and being aloof. I sincerely believe in these. When I would argue with the specific girl I'm talking about I would feel drained, like my soul was being sucked out of my body. I honestly don't believe she is a bad person and I believe she was unaware she was doing it. It was just something she had developed in her life, and I am just sensitive to those kinds of things. I have consciously recognized this behavior and made an effort to stop it in my own life. That's why my threshold for dealing with people's bullshit is so small. I am not interested in playing gross power games with anyone. I will walk the fuck away in an instant.
Then there was the last real relationship I was in. you know, the one where she did a 180 degree personality switch and then told me Jesus told her to break up with me. I saw her months later and she had a ring with a cross on her ring finger to remind her that she was "married to Jesus". If that's not insane, what is?

   Why do I care? I had a friend tell me recently that I cared too much about this kind of shit. Of course, he's happily in a relationship while I'm out courting the nation's lunatics. I go back and forth between thinking it's weak to even care about relationships and that yes, those are something that a person needs in their life. I can't lie, it'd be nice to be appreciated and to have someone to make sticky love to on the regular....and also like the Articles of Faith song says: "Stop your bitching. That's what you want. Someone to hold you in the night when you lose your guts". You see, I try really fucking hard. I look around and see most people with no goals, no purpose, no sense of destiny. People just working to eat cheetos and watch wrestling and get a nut every night. I'm fighting everyday to accomplish what I feel I'm supposed to do. I have sacrificed many forms of security and stability to let it all ride on what I believe is ultimate. I refuse to live a mediocre existence. I'm constantly seeking to fulfill myself mentally, physically and spiritually an have been relentless. It'd be nice to feel appreciated. To have someone say "I see what you're trying to do and it's honorable, now make sexy explosion on my boobs". Instead, I generally get dismissed. "he's an asshole", "he fucked me once and never did again", "he didn't fuck me and I'm mad". I bust my ass to not be mediocre and you put me in a box. Fuck you in the face.

   There's this scene in the movie IP man, about the guy that popularized Wing Chun and was a mentor to Bruce Lee...Ip man just fucked up 10 dudes all at once. He comes home and his wife sees his bloody hands and starts silently bandaging them. That's what I need. Someone to bandage my bloody hands after I fight against the world. Someone to be cool water for my boiling brain. Is it weak to want that? Maybe. But I'm also here to enjoy my life. Fuck you haters. In the face.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to complete myself. I'm very introspective and always try to be complete from within. If my destiny is to go it alone, then fine. Honestly, all the insane people have burnt me out. I'll go back to trying to make shit happen for myself. In reality, I see so many people I know with fucked up marriages and relationships and I wonder why I would want any part of that. You can always learn to be happy by yourself, but you could smash your head into the wall of a bad partnership for a lifetime until you finally realized it's futile and you wasted so much time and energy. One thing you can not get back is time.

but sometimes I remember the good times I had in my life when my relationships were good and I long for that feeling....like trying to remember a song you once loved or your favorite food that you haven't eaten in years....I've just gotten so good at being by myself, and I'll stand for no bullshit. Maybe it's me that's gone insane. Maybe everyone else is normal. What I think is funny is all the people that tell me how sensitive I am. My friends that make fun of me and jokingly call me emo an shit like that. Usually they are always in relationships, snuggling up with their special boos behind closed doors. I'm not afraid to go it alone. I see the weakness and desperation in so many of your relationships. Maybe that's why I'm attracted to crazies. Maybe subconsciously I know it'll be easy to get the fuck on down when I need to. Go ahead and make fun of me for being sensitive. The proof is in the pudding. I will drop some cold blooded shit on a crazy person before I will put up with any amount of bullshit just to feel validated. Also, you need to work on your reading comprehension. I look at things from several sides. Nothing is black and white. Now, go have an argument or watch a romantic comedy or something and I'll go do something awesome.

The River

I'm a piece of shit. Fucking hypocrite asshole. Part of the problem.

Me and Hooper set our kayaks in the Wolf River at Walnut Grove. Our plan was to float all the way to the Mississippi and check out the floodwaters. The day was overcast and unseasonably chilly. I noticed all the trees than had been knocked down. A few weeks earlier the Wolf had been higher than I'd ever seen it. We saw huge dams of trees and limbs piled up against the bridge pylons and a fair amount of trash, but not too bad.
   We explored some of the creeks that flowed in to the Wolf. We found a trot line that someone had run across one of these creeks with several large catfish attached to it, one weighing up to 12 lbs, old and scarred. I wondered if the guy that had run the trot line could also skin a buck and plow a field all day long....

  As we floated down we thought about what an under utilized resource this was. Why don't more people boat this river? I mean, yes, it's dirty but there was enough nature to give me that serene feeling I get when I get out to the woods. I started to think about what it must have been like for the natives that lived here and paddled up and down the river. The river would have given them everything they needed. There was fish, there was game...we saw beavers and a deer swim across the river in front of us. I thought about how man was intrinsically entwined to rivers. The first civilizations sprung up because of rivers, and now it was a great toilet bowl. The natives had the right idea. To me, what they had was true freedom. I am not an American. America as we no it is not my idea of freedom. Freedom to me is not owning anything...it is living in a world where everything is provided all around us. This is the way the world used to be before it was conquered. Capitalism does not equal freedom. We're all slaves. Everyday I have to work to pay the tax man, the insurance man, the oil man. At one point, one could just exist....
   We stopped and ate our lunches at Kennedy park in Raleigh that backs right up to the river. There was a picnic area that looked like it had not been maintained in years. A burnt down pavilion, a dilapidated playground that made me think of lost innocence. I wondered if roving gangs of kids still roamed these woods like my friends and I did when we were kids or if they were all transfixed by tvs and computers now. Just another way that the last of the beauty of the world will be stolen right out from under us while we're all checking our facebook statuses.
   The river became more swollen the farther down we got and became more stagnant. This is because the Mississippi was pushing back up into it. This is where the trash got unbelievable. We weaved through the forests in our boats and the trash stretched on for miles. Every manner of plastic and Styrofoam drink container, sports balls, 50 gallon drums....and hundeds of thousands of plastic bags. My pictures do the amount of trash we saw no justice. The water began to stink and we saw dead fish...I wondered about all the trash I've created in my life. I've been recycling as long as it's been easily available...but how many tons of trash have I created? and how much resources does it take to recycle? Is it really worth it in the end?
   I had a friend the other day arguing with me about how rad capitalism was. I posted something funny about BP and he said some dumb right wing shit like "If you don't like it move to China or Cuba". Here was the result of capitalism stretched before me. Fast food and Soda sells like almost nothing else and there is no true value in it. It's bad for our bodies and bad for the environment. It is only worth a moment of indulgence. In the end, we're paying to kill ourselves.
   We paddled up on an asphalt business that was totally flooded. The water really stank and the rainbows from petroleum covered the surface of the water.
   I've heard a lot about the tragedy of the flood. about how people are losing their homes and jobs. It's not a tragedy to me. This is the river's territory. The river has always been here and will be here long after we are gone. We encroached on it. It showed us who's boss.
   I started thinking of life as a river. You can try to control it and build up your treasures in spite of it, but it can swallow up all you think you've gained in an instant. It's best to steer yourself around on it, but ultimately navigate it's twists and turns and learn to take what it provides you. Everything we need is on that river and always has been. And trying to go backwards always ends in futility.
   After 10 hours we finally ht the Mississippi and I got to see it from a perspective that I never had before. It made me feel small and insignificant.
   I know that I never want to buy another drink in a plastic bottle again. I think everyone should have to float the river and really see what we hath wrought. The Wolf is a small river, just one of the thousands of small waterways that drain into the Mississippi and in to the ocean. There's an island of trash in the Pacific twice the size of Texas. We have to stop. Now. You surely can't eat fish out of the Wolf river or Mississippi and soon you won't be able to eat it out of the ocean. That's capitalism at work. That's why it's doomed to fail eventually, but not before destroying everything.
   People preach to me all the time. People that probably spent their Sunday morning's in church. I spent my Sunday trying to enjoy the earth that god gave to us, but it was hard. You can't scare me with visions of a fiery afterlife. I believe we are creating a poisonous, fiery hell right here on earth with our sins. We will create hell out of paradise, and several generations down the line there will be no enjoyment of life at all...
   So what can I do? I myself, can only change my own behavior and try to help other people see what we are creating. I know that one trip down the river opened my eyes to a lot of things and forever changed me....

My steed licks the blood from my steel

I don't know if it's like this for all writers, but it's like taking a shit to me. It just has to come out or it will build up toxic in my guts. I've been wanting to spew diarrhea with my keyboard, but I've been speeding down the highway and too busy to hit a rest stop. Besides, the last time I hit a rest stop to take a shit I was listening to my headphones and tapping my feet along with the music and next thing i know a big homosexual trucker/ bear guy bursts in and starts sucking my cock. After 10 minutes or so I made him stop. it was starting to tickle.

   But really, the last few weeks have been a blur. A couple weeks ago I took a job for a week as a production assistant on the show "Celebrity Apprentice". One of the celebrities on the show is a very well known country singer, who I won't name but if you watch the show, it'll be obvious. If you haven't (I haven't watched it. TV is for fucktards) it has something to do with Donald Trump and famous people competing for a cash donation to go to a charity that they are sponsoring. A crew from the show came through town because the country guy's charity is St. Jude Children's research hospital.
   I picked up the crew at the airport and we went to st Jude to meet country dude. seemed like a nice enough fella. I was vaguely aware of his music. My knowledge of mainstream country stops with Dwight Yoakum. He walked around the hospital and talked with kids and then played a concert for about 50 people or so. Afterwards the crew got on some dude's private jet and flew to Nashville while me and drew Fleming drove the van with the gear.
   Pulling in to Nashville, we stopped at country guy's house to pick up him and the crew. By far the most baller ass house I've ever seen. A $14 million dollar structure made of concrete and steel. pool on the roof. bar in the elevator. Also in the elevator are pictures of him and Johnny cash, him and Merle Haggard, Him and Willie Nelson. Holy shitballs. The room we're hanging out in is actually a small club, with a full bar, stage with badass sound system, mezzanine, huge window looking out at the Nashville skyline.
   We go to this authentic Italian restaurant and drop $1300 on appetizers and drinks. Everybody on the crew is cool as shit. total bro down. Afterwards, we hit several bars. At a bar with karaoke, I slayed some Johnny Cash. wishing country dude would have noticed and given me a record deal. I'm sick of working. I went back early to my baller ass king size bed having hotel room. I had to work in the morning.
   The next day we drove out to the country to film some stuff surrounding country dude's grandma and then we went to his cabin and property. I preferred his cabin to his mansion. I guess I prefer nature to riches. That's where I'd chill all the time if I was a baller like him.
   I'm about to get to the point of my story. We had an amazing time hanging out by his pond....fishing, shooting off his Barret 50 cal sniper rifle, playing guitar. Just country dudes doing country shit. I could have been hanging out with a group of my old friends.We joked and laughed like old friends.
   But apparently, politically this guy is a big conservative. When showing off his gun he talked about "all the troops over there killing the Taliban for our freedom" and other unintelligent redneck shit. It got me thinking a lot about willful ignorance and the duality of human beings.
   Now, this guy is trying to support a great charity. Even if he doesn't win the quarter million for St. Jude he did a world of good raising awareness for them. But really, if he could drop 14 million on a house, how much could he personally drop on St. Jude. just a thought....maybe he has dropped a shitload. I know he wrote a song and 100 percent of the itunes revenue goes to St. Jude. can't hate on him for that. but here was something i was thinking about:
   I noticed a lot of sports team shirts on the kids at St. Jude. Saw a lot from Louisiana and Alabama. Got me thinking about cancer and how the cancer rates in those two states are a lot higher than the national average because of the horrible environmental practices in those states.  Environmental practices that conservatives support, because putting restrictions on corporations is bad. That's big government, telling those poor corporations what to do. Environmentalists are whackos and if they have to be responsible for their waste and output then they will make less money and making money is what's most important. by these people's logic. So, in a sense by being a conservative, country dude is supporting cancer while, at the same time publicly parading around trying to "stop" cancer. Why not hit it at the source, country dude?
   Wanna talk about cancer? How about from the depleted uranium from the armor piercing shells fired by our troops you're so proud of from those guns that your buddy makes. Oh, those are brown skinned people. And not Americans. fuck those assholes. How dare they? Here's a picture of a deformed Arab baby, courtesy of Uncle Sam. Hey, one less towelhead, right?

Enjoy your cabin in the woods on the lake, Mr. Country dude. If your buddies that you support have their way, it'll all be an industrial wasteland...poisonous...reeking. Soon you won't even be able to eat the fish from your own pond. But hey, it's all about making money, right? I mean, you got yours. You got your money, your wife and kid and all your badass cars. The rest of the world can get fucked.

   I thought about how no one is ever a total dick. They may be willfully ignorant, or just uninformed....but usually you can find some common ground with anyone...and  in the right setting, I can even find friendship with a multi millionaire right wing modern country artist. Maybe therein lies hope for the world. As i wrote that last line, Frankie Stubbs came on and told me "never give up hope".

I've deleted a lot of people on Facebook for their openly dumb politics. I don't want to hear about the politics of greed. You guys are winning. Shut the fuck up and silently gloat. Stop acting like a victim. Eventually, everything sacred will be for sale. I wish you really believed in small government. You only want it when it suits you. Because I'd go you one further and say, "how about no government at all?" Just turn it off for a week. Then I could meet you on the field of battle and lop off your heads with my sword. I would do it for the earth. Go ahead, call me a hippy. I'm here to show you that all liberal tree huggers aren't weak pussies. I don't believe in non-violence and I want your blood. You're so soft. You wouldn't last a day without air conditioning and a fried mayonnaise IV drip. I will burst in your house while you're watching Celebrity apprentice and choking down a Mc Rib and remove your head. Neurosis blaring in my headphones. My steed licks the blood from my steel.  I shit on your god because you shit on mine.

I will cause 12 abortions for every right wing fucktard that opens their mouth.

The Planned Parenthood building is right by my house. I pass it everyday. Every time I do I flip off the people standing out front with their signs saying "pray to end abortion". You know, these pussies took the winter off. I guess their beliefs aren't strong enough to get cold over. I actually have to be careful because sometimes there's people that I know and respect out there. I've been trying to mull over why these people make me so angry for the past year, but now that the talk of cutting federal funding for Planned Parenthood has got all of the fucktards vocal, it's clear to me why I hate these people.

   I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that none of those people standing out on the street with a sign ever protested a war. I bet you wouldn't protest anything that actually mattered. I bet none of them gave a fuck when a corporation filled an entire sea with oil. Yep, I bet you pull right up in to BP and fill up your SUV on the way to get your nails did. I bet you are all Wal Mart shopping, McDonald's eating self righteous motherfuckers who want to appear all holy and spiritual over this non issue. Fuck the living, we're all getting fucked in the ass, but you're standing out in the street so everyone can see how holy you are.

Hey, maybe if you put any effort at all into things that affect the living, we'd be cool with having babies. I'm just barely getting by supporting myself, working a shit job that I hate, that will wear me down, that will make me insane. Hey, let me bring a kid in to this situation. I'm sure they'll grow up healthy and well adjusted in this fucked up ghetto town I live in, smack dab in the middle of corporate disgust, polluted ass, war monger U.S.A. Shit, I'd love to have a family but the world is fucking evil, and it's not the pro choicers that are causing it.

The world is overcrowded. Capitalism has caused us to live so far removed from nature that we have a disgusting glut of humanity. I think that people who choose not to have children until their ready should get a fucking medal. They actually are making a sacrifice. I bet it sucks to have an abortion. If it didn't fuck with you, you'd be a cold blooded motherfucker. The problem lies in our cultures fear of death. Our culture acts like death is the absolute worst thing possible. it's not. Having a quality death beats having a life with no quality. And guess what, I don't believe in your fairy tale god. You can "pray to end abortion" all you want. I pray that I'll win the lottery and you'll all grow dicks out of your forehead but neither is going to happen. Your god is not balancing the budget. So we have to get pro active.

Hey, guess what? The majority of what planned parenthood does is offer contraception, STD screenings and treatment, cancer screenings and other women's health shit. No one wants to be giving out abortions all willy nilly and no one wants to be getting them. They're trying to help people not get pregnant in the first place you shitheaps! You want to do something constructive? Go to Sams' and by one of those 100 pack of rubbers and give them free to high school kids. What about federal funding for free condom dispensers in all high school bathrooms? what about all bathrooms? How about paying for birth control for anyone who wants it instead of the 3 wars we're in and space exploration? How about taxing all the big dumbfuck corporations that are ass raping all of us and make them pay for some shit.

How about federally funding a time machine so I can go back in time and fuck all your mothers and then coerce them into aborting you with my golden tongue. Then the world would be a better place. I dare you to say some shit.

Batshit, Fatty and the Brandenburg Concerto

For anyone that doesn't know, here's a story that happened to me last summer and the follow up....

I was lonely. Don't judge me. I started seeing a girl i used to date several years prior (something I like to refer to as "sweatin' to the oldies"). I knew she was batshit, so we'll just call her Batshit. But sometimes loneliness will make you question your instincts. Maybe she was batshit back then but she's OK now...or maybe I'm different now, I don't know. Anyways this girl tells me she's been divorced for a year. We have a date night and i spend the night at her apartment. 

   I am awaken to her phone ringing. She tells me it's her ex trying to call. I blow it off and go back to sleep. Next thing I know I'm awaken again by a pounding at the door. "What the fuck is that?" I say. "It's my ex husband. He's drunk. He'll go away". Let me now add that I'm I'm not wearing a stitch of clothing. My instincts are screaming at me to go get my clothes, but they are right by the door that he's pounding on....french doors with little glass panes. The guy has actually climbed up on the porch and is beating at those doors. If I get up to get my clothes he will see/ hear me. I ignore my instincts and hope that he'll go away. He keeps pounding and I can hear him pressing on the door. I get up to look for a weapon when i hear the glass on the door break. I wrap a sheet around myself and go into the next room just as he's pushing the door open. "Hey motherfucker! Back da fuck up!" I say, all Onyx an shit. Then this fat ass motherfucker (who I will now refer to as "Fat Ass") says: "Who the fuck are you? You don't even know who the fuck I am!" and he runs at me, grabbing my throat (that's supposed to be my signature move) and starts yamming his fists away at my head. Now, I was not prepared for a fight. My first instinct was to protect Herman the one eyed German and the boys, so i drop my hands to cover the boys and just keep my head down. He's hitting the top of my head. I see stars for a moment. I yelled "call 9-1-1!" as he pushes my naked ass into a window, breaking it. But Jesus had cast a spell of protection on my beautiful buttucks and they remained unscathed. My feet did get cut up on the broken glass. Batshit is on the bed with the cops on the line and Fatass stops and runs over to her. He extends his hand to her and says "It's cool, shake my hand. It's cool, shake my hand" Then he runs out the door. 20 minutes later the cops show up and I have blood pouring out of my head. It's now light outside and the ambulance shows up but i refuse stitches. I gave my statement and went home.

   Now, I started to suspect something fishy when Batshit wouldn't go downtown to give a statement to the domestic abuse cops. By the way, the sergeant down there said if I had had a gun I would've been in my legal right to shoot him. But Batshit never called and asked how I was or anything. She won't respond to my inquiries as to why she won't press charges.

Months later I send her an email:

so, hows your life? I'm sure you don't care, but i'm pretty pissed at you about all that shit. Not only did you show no concern that i got fired on for being at your house, but i'm sure you never pressed charges. Is it because you're afraid of him or was there something you didn't want me or the court to know? all in all, i didn't deserve that and if only a few factors had been different, he or I could have gotten killed.
It doesn't matter anymore so you may as well be honest. I'm just curious. were y'all still fucking or were you still getting money from him? I just took it as a sign that i shouldn't be hanging out with you. Honestly, i don't hold much ill will toward him. I know you never liked him or respected him when you married him. You used him for god knows what. It probably fucked with his head.
i guess the cops never picked him up. if not, he still has a warrant that he will have to face sooner or later and then you'll get called into court as well and something will come out in the wash.

To which she replied:

he and i dated on and off constantly. we had broken up about a week before you and i hung out that night. i never recieved money from him.. i honestly did not expect anything that happened that night to occur. i hate that it happened, i do feel like it was my fault. i am glad that it didnt escalate to more than it was and that neither of you were seriously hurt. i learned a lot that night, i cannot change what happened, and i know i could never apologize enough. i want nothing more than to move on and move past this. if it ends up in court, then hopefully that will be the last of it. i wish you well in life and im sorry.

Anyways, last week I received a court summons. It all went something like this.

My summons was for 9am so I got there 15 minutes early. yes, i am annoyingly punctual. I sat in the fucking courtroom for 3 and a half hours and Fatass and his lawyer hadn't even shown up. I wasn't mad about it anymore before today, but now I want the death penalty. I'm having to listen to all these mudane court hearings about prostitutuion near a church or school and the results of the HIV test will determine the severity of the charge. The only thing that saved me from the most boring day ever was 1. The prosecuting attorney that was dealing with my case was fine as shit, but 2. this other girl working in the court was one of the finest women I have ever seen walking around with my eyeballs. I'm not talking slutty, thinking dirty thoughts hot, I'm talking so fine I could look at your face the rest of my life hot. Huge rock on her finger. Just so badass. I was in love.

   By lunchtime Fatass and his lawyer hadn't shown up, so court would reconvene at 2pm. As I was leaving the courtroom who do I see but Fatass and with him is BATSHIT!?! All Big and Fucking pregnant! Now I know what you're thinking because I thought it too, but that ain't my baby. Swab my mouth, Maury. That ain't my baby.

   When court reconvened I had to sit through a bunch more boring ass cases, when right before my case is about to start a whole group of about twelve first year law students come in and sit in the back of the court. All of them cute girls about 18-20! All with their little notepads and glasses and shit. mmm. damn.

   So the trial is underway. Fatass's lawyer is all Matlock and shit and he's all cross examining me and trying to make me out to be a liar! Like it was my fault for being there! Like Fatass was just a concerned husband coming by to check on his estranged wife who won't answer the phone or the door, so he breaks in to see if she's ok and gets attacked by a naked dude and was acting in self defense. Now, I don't know if you've seen my dick, but it may count as a deadly weapon. That was never brought up, though. But still, he's making me nervous like I did something wrong and the whole time the first year law students are looking at my ass and picturing me naked getting pummeled with my dick floppin around. Batshit got called to the stand and proved herself to be a lying trollop. Finally after 8 hours the judge ruled.......(drumroll) GUILTY! He saw right through their bullshit.

   The thing is, I feel bad. I didn't care anymore. I wish Batshit had just called me and said "hey, I'm sorry, but I'm pregnant and I don't want my husband to go to jail". I would've not showed up and the case would've been dropped! Now he's gonna go to jail and she's gonna have that baby without it's daddy. I don't wish that on anyone. But so much of this shit could have been avoided at so many points along the way. I wouldn't have cared if he didn't get convicted because I'm satisfied that both of them will be serving a double life sentence of fat, crazy lameness with a side of crying ass baby.

So what did we learn today?

1. Steer clear of scandalous chicks that write poetry. That's generally a good rule. If they write poetry, run screaming.

2. Always keep your clothes right beside you. OR...

3. Always leave and go home or stay at your house.

4. Always keep a weapon beside you when you sleep.

5. Always go to court showered and dressed your best because you never know when a bunch of law students or the girl of your dreams will be there.

6. Don't underestimate people's ability to forgive. Instead of being stupid, just humble yourself and ask. You may avoid jail time.

  

 I walked out into the beautiful downtown sunshine, breeze blowing off the river, whistling the Brandenburg Concerto and thanked God that I'm free, that i have no babies, that I don't have a psycho batshit pregnant wife, that i'm not going to jail and that my life is pretty drama free. 

Sometimes, the good guys win....

sane

Sure lucky to be alive, man
I guess I shouldn't brag
With death always so close round us
It should be me laying on that slab
But I've got one more day to think about
All the people I did wrong
I hope you know I'm truly sorry and I've paid for what I've done
I know there will still be hard times
And I hope my experience gives me the strength
To help hold you up
Because God knows you've kept me sane

Thoughts on people trying to convert me....

People sometimes try to convert me. Or it's more like they just suggest an answer that they've found. Get me to read bible verses and such. I usually do. I'm open to hear some wisdom. I ususally never get some profound truth out of it. You know, the things you know with the core of your being?...that to believe otherwise would be to not exist? I'd argue that that feeling is a key to the "divine" and not words on a page or some ritual.


   A few weeks ago I was sick and sitting at a stoplight on my way to work. It was cold. I wouldn't have gotten out of bed except I couldn't afford to be sick. As I drove past the ugly urban sprawl I thought about how many banks and churches I was passing and I had a thought:


   You guys won already. Why would anyone try to convert me? 76% of American identify themselves as Christians. That's an overwhelming majority. Did you know that every U.S. president has been a Christian? About 88% of U.S. military are Christians?


Here's my point. Christianity has been the Religion of western Civilization for as long as there has been western civilization. And this is the world you have built. Congratufuckinglations. And this is why I wont convert.


I don't need a book to tell me that, if we are all the same, if we are all made from 1 (god) then nationalism and patriotism are sins. Would your Jesus want you drawing up political lines and fighting over resources?
   I don't need a book to tell me that it is wrong to destroy and pollute the earth so that a few can be rich and the rest of us can be controlled. The earth is beautiful and could provide everything we need as long as we take a good hard look at what we REALLY need, and not just silly shit that we want. Like snuggies and fleshlights. And that we should respect the thing that gives us life and the diversity of it and try to help protect the balance of it all.
   I don't need a book to tell me that we all have the same basic wants, and launching missiles at people and invading and occupying other peoples lands is wrong.


   My spirituality is governed by this knowing that comes from within my soul and I can't misinterpret it and I can't lie about it. I love seeing people that preach to me about how they have all these answers do the exact same shitty things that we all do. The only difference between them and me is that they talked all this shit and acted so self righteous. I only know what I feel is wrong and can only give you my opinion and the proof will be in the pudding in the end. I don't have to scare you with visions of hell, because you will create your own end. This is the world you've created now. Do you love it?


   I think Christianity is just a convenient loophole for people. It allows you to be in a club, but you don't have to do anything different. You can just say you believe it and do whatever you want and be forgiven. I don't have all the answers, but I'm SEEKING and LISTENING and not latching on to the safest and most convenient thing that was sold to me from birth. The world is fucked and you guys are still trying to get us all on your side but your shit is NOT WORKING. It's too vague, up for too much interpretation. How someone can call themselves a Christian and still be in the military blows my fucking mind. I interpret the words as promoting loving thy enemy and shit, but like I said....too many loopholes. I've asked enough questions and sought enough to where I KNOW what kind of world I want to live in. One without countries, borders and flags. One without banks and churches. One where I don't have to go to work sick because I'm so fucking broke. 


So please, leave me be. You won't convert me. You already have so many on your side, you can't possibly say that it's the small minority of non believers holding you back. That would be a sorry excuse. You guys have had control for so long. And I hate the world you've built. You can tell me I'm lost all you want. I went to your churches and I prayed and I prayed and never heard a voice from the sky, never saw proof of a caring deity. I honestly can't see how if Jesus is real how he would let so many people fuck shit up in his name. So, perhaps you guys aren't fucking up at all. Perhaps you're all doing exactly what you're supposed to do. Perhaps I'm in league with the devil. Perhaps in hell, everything will be lush and green, corporations will not rule, food and medicine and education will be free and  nations will not exist. 
   So, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go indulge in heathenism. I'm going to go walk my dog somewhere in the sunshine where it's pretty and not spend any money. Praise hail Satan.