Batshit, Fatty and the Brandenburg Concerto

For anyone that doesn't know, here's a story that happened to me last summer and the follow up....

I was lonely. Don't judge me. I started seeing a girl i used to date several years prior (something I like to refer to as "sweatin' to the oldies"). I knew she was batshit, so we'll just call her Batshit. But sometimes loneliness will make you question your instincts. Maybe she was batshit back then but she's OK now...or maybe I'm different now, I don't know. Anyways this girl tells me she's been divorced for a year. We have a date night and i spend the night at her apartment. 

   I am awaken to her phone ringing. She tells me it's her ex trying to call. I blow it off and go back to sleep. Next thing I know I'm awaken again by a pounding at the door. "What the fuck is that?" I say. "It's my ex husband. He's drunk. He'll go away". Let me now add that I'm I'm not wearing a stitch of clothing. My instincts are screaming at me to go get my clothes, but they are right by the door that he's pounding on....french doors with little glass panes. The guy has actually climbed up on the porch and is beating at those doors. If I get up to get my clothes he will see/ hear me. I ignore my instincts and hope that he'll go away. He keeps pounding and I can hear him pressing on the door. I get up to look for a weapon when i hear the glass on the door break. I wrap a sheet around myself and go into the next room just as he's pushing the door open. "Hey motherfucker! Back da fuck up!" I say, all Onyx an shit. Then this fat ass motherfucker (who I will now refer to as "Fat Ass") says: "Who the fuck are you? You don't even know who the fuck I am!" and he runs at me, grabbing my throat (that's supposed to be my signature move) and starts yamming his fists away at my head. Now, I was not prepared for a fight. My first instinct was to protect Herman the one eyed German and the boys, so i drop my hands to cover the boys and just keep my head down. He's hitting the top of my head. I see stars for a moment. I yelled "call 9-1-1!" as he pushes my naked ass into a window, breaking it. But Jesus had cast a spell of protection on my beautiful buttucks and they remained unscathed. My feet did get cut up on the broken glass. Batshit is on the bed with the cops on the line and Fatass stops and runs over to her. He extends his hand to her and says "It's cool, shake my hand. It's cool, shake my hand" Then he runs out the door. 20 minutes later the cops show up and I have blood pouring out of my head. It's now light outside and the ambulance shows up but i refuse stitches. I gave my statement and went home.

   Now, I started to suspect something fishy when Batshit wouldn't go downtown to give a statement to the domestic abuse cops. By the way, the sergeant down there said if I had had a gun I would've been in my legal right to shoot him. But Batshit never called and asked how I was or anything. She won't respond to my inquiries as to why she won't press charges.

Months later I send her an email:

so, hows your life? I'm sure you don't care, but i'm pretty pissed at you about all that shit. Not only did you show no concern that i got fired on for being at your house, but i'm sure you never pressed charges. Is it because you're afraid of him or was there something you didn't want me or the court to know? all in all, i didn't deserve that and if only a few factors had been different, he or I could have gotten killed.
It doesn't matter anymore so you may as well be honest. I'm just curious. were y'all still fucking or were you still getting money from him? I just took it as a sign that i shouldn't be hanging out with you. Honestly, i don't hold much ill will toward him. I know you never liked him or respected him when you married him. You used him for god knows what. It probably fucked with his head.
i guess the cops never picked him up. if not, he still has a warrant that he will have to face sooner or later and then you'll get called into court as well and something will come out in the wash.

To which she replied:

he and i dated on and off constantly. we had broken up about a week before you and i hung out that night. i never recieved money from him.. i honestly did not expect anything that happened that night to occur. i hate that it happened, i do feel like it was my fault. i am glad that it didnt escalate to more than it was and that neither of you were seriously hurt. i learned a lot that night, i cannot change what happened, and i know i could never apologize enough. i want nothing more than to move on and move past this. if it ends up in court, then hopefully that will be the last of it. i wish you well in life and im sorry.

Anyways, last week I received a court summons. It all went something like this.

My summons was for 9am so I got there 15 minutes early. yes, i am annoyingly punctual. I sat in the fucking courtroom for 3 and a half hours and Fatass and his lawyer hadn't even shown up. I wasn't mad about it anymore before today, but now I want the death penalty. I'm having to listen to all these mudane court hearings about prostitutuion near a church or school and the results of the HIV test will determine the severity of the charge. The only thing that saved me from the most boring day ever was 1. The prosecuting attorney that was dealing with my case was fine as shit, but 2. this other girl working in the court was one of the finest women I have ever seen walking around with my eyeballs. I'm not talking slutty, thinking dirty thoughts hot, I'm talking so fine I could look at your face the rest of my life hot. Huge rock on her finger. Just so badass. I was in love.

   By lunchtime Fatass and his lawyer hadn't shown up, so court would reconvene at 2pm. As I was leaving the courtroom who do I see but Fatass and with him is BATSHIT!?! All Big and Fucking pregnant! Now I know what you're thinking because I thought it too, but that ain't my baby. Swab my mouth, Maury. That ain't my baby.

   When court reconvened I had to sit through a bunch more boring ass cases, when right before my case is about to start a whole group of about twelve first year law students come in and sit in the back of the court. All of them cute girls about 18-20! All with their little notepads and glasses and shit. mmm. damn.

   So the trial is underway. Fatass's lawyer is all Matlock and shit and he's all cross examining me and trying to make me out to be a liar! Like it was my fault for being there! Like Fatass was just a concerned husband coming by to check on his estranged wife who won't answer the phone or the door, so he breaks in to see if she's ok and gets attacked by a naked dude and was acting in self defense. Now, I don't know if you've seen my dick, but it may count as a deadly weapon. That was never brought up, though. But still, he's making me nervous like I did something wrong and the whole time the first year law students are looking at my ass and picturing me naked getting pummeled with my dick floppin around. Batshit got called to the stand and proved herself to be a lying trollop. Finally after 8 hours the judge ruled.......(drumroll) GUILTY! He saw right through their bullshit.

   The thing is, I feel bad. I didn't care anymore. I wish Batshit had just called me and said "hey, I'm sorry, but I'm pregnant and I don't want my husband to go to jail". I would've not showed up and the case would've been dropped! Now he's gonna go to jail and she's gonna have that baby without it's daddy. I don't wish that on anyone. But so much of this shit could have been avoided at so many points along the way. I wouldn't have cared if he didn't get convicted because I'm satisfied that both of them will be serving a double life sentence of fat, crazy lameness with a side of crying ass baby.

So what did we learn today?

1. Steer clear of scandalous chicks that write poetry. That's generally a good rule. If they write poetry, run screaming.

2. Always keep your clothes right beside you. OR...

3. Always leave and go home or stay at your house.

4. Always keep a weapon beside you when you sleep.

5. Always go to court showered and dressed your best because you never know when a bunch of law students or the girl of your dreams will be there.

6. Don't underestimate people's ability to forgive. Instead of being stupid, just humble yourself and ask. You may avoid jail time.

  

 I walked out into the beautiful downtown sunshine, breeze blowing off the river, whistling the Brandenburg Concerto and thanked God that I'm free, that i have no babies, that I don't have a psycho batshit pregnant wife, that i'm not going to jail and that my life is pretty drama free. 

Sometimes, the good guys win....