My steed licks the blood from my steel

I don't know if it's like this for all writers, but it's like taking a shit to me. It just has to come out or it will build up toxic in my guts. I've been wanting to spew diarrhea with my keyboard, but I've been speeding down the highway and too busy to hit a rest stop. Besides, the last time I hit a rest stop to take a shit I was listening to my headphones and tapping my feet along with the music and next thing i know a big homosexual trucker/ bear guy bursts in and starts sucking my cock. After 10 minutes or so I made him stop. it was starting to tickle.

   But really, the last few weeks have been a blur. A couple weeks ago I took a job for a week as a production assistant on the show "Celebrity Apprentice". One of the celebrities on the show is a very well known country singer, who I won't name but if you watch the show, it'll be obvious. If you haven't (I haven't watched it. TV is for fucktards) it has something to do with Donald Trump and famous people competing for a cash donation to go to a charity that they are sponsoring. A crew from the show came through town because the country guy's charity is St. Jude Children's research hospital.
   I picked up the crew at the airport and we went to st Jude to meet country dude. seemed like a nice enough fella. I was vaguely aware of his music. My knowledge of mainstream country stops with Dwight Yoakum. He walked around the hospital and talked with kids and then played a concert for about 50 people or so. Afterwards the crew got on some dude's private jet and flew to Nashville while me and drew Fleming drove the van with the gear.
   Pulling in to Nashville, we stopped at country guy's house to pick up him and the crew. By far the most baller ass house I've ever seen. A $14 million dollar structure made of concrete and steel. pool on the roof. bar in the elevator. Also in the elevator are pictures of him and Johnny cash, him and Merle Haggard, Him and Willie Nelson. Holy shitballs. The room we're hanging out in is actually a small club, with a full bar, stage with badass sound system, mezzanine, huge window looking out at the Nashville skyline.
   We go to this authentic Italian restaurant and drop $1300 on appetizers and drinks. Everybody on the crew is cool as shit. total bro down. Afterwards, we hit several bars. At a bar with karaoke, I slayed some Johnny Cash. wishing country dude would have noticed and given me a record deal. I'm sick of working. I went back early to my baller ass king size bed having hotel room. I had to work in the morning.
   The next day we drove out to the country to film some stuff surrounding country dude's grandma and then we went to his cabin and property. I preferred his cabin to his mansion. I guess I prefer nature to riches. That's where I'd chill all the time if I was a baller like him.
   I'm about to get to the point of my story. We had an amazing time hanging out by his pond....fishing, shooting off his Barret 50 cal sniper rifle, playing guitar. Just country dudes doing country shit. I could have been hanging out with a group of my old friends.We joked and laughed like old friends.
   But apparently, politically this guy is a big conservative. When showing off his gun he talked about "all the troops over there killing the Taliban for our freedom" and other unintelligent redneck shit. It got me thinking a lot about willful ignorance and the duality of human beings.
   Now, this guy is trying to support a great charity. Even if he doesn't win the quarter million for St. Jude he did a world of good raising awareness for them. But really, if he could drop 14 million on a house, how much could he personally drop on St. Jude. just a thought....maybe he has dropped a shitload. I know he wrote a song and 100 percent of the itunes revenue goes to St. Jude. can't hate on him for that. but here was something i was thinking about:
   I noticed a lot of sports team shirts on the kids at St. Jude. Saw a lot from Louisiana and Alabama. Got me thinking about cancer and how the cancer rates in those two states are a lot higher than the national average because of the horrible environmental practices in those states.  Environmental practices that conservatives support, because putting restrictions on corporations is bad. That's big government, telling those poor corporations what to do. Environmentalists are whackos and if they have to be responsible for their waste and output then they will make less money and making money is what's most important. by these people's logic. So, in a sense by being a conservative, country dude is supporting cancer while, at the same time publicly parading around trying to "stop" cancer. Why not hit it at the source, country dude?
   Wanna talk about cancer? How about from the depleted uranium from the armor piercing shells fired by our troops you're so proud of from those guns that your buddy makes. Oh, those are brown skinned people. And not Americans. fuck those assholes. How dare they? Here's a picture of a deformed Arab baby, courtesy of Uncle Sam. Hey, one less towelhead, right?

Enjoy your cabin in the woods on the lake, Mr. Country dude. If your buddies that you support have their way, it'll all be an industrial wasteland...poisonous...reeking. Soon you won't even be able to eat the fish from your own pond. But hey, it's all about making money, right? I mean, you got yours. You got your money, your wife and kid and all your badass cars. The rest of the world can get fucked.

   I thought about how no one is ever a total dick. They may be willfully ignorant, or just uninformed....but usually you can find some common ground with anyone...and  in the right setting, I can even find friendship with a multi millionaire right wing modern country artist. Maybe therein lies hope for the world. As i wrote that last line, Frankie Stubbs came on and told me "never give up hope".

I've deleted a lot of people on Facebook for their openly dumb politics. I don't want to hear about the politics of greed. You guys are winning. Shut the fuck up and silently gloat. Stop acting like a victim. Eventually, everything sacred will be for sale. I wish you really believed in small government. You only want it when it suits you. Because I'd go you one further and say, "how about no government at all?" Just turn it off for a week. Then I could meet you on the field of battle and lop off your heads with my sword. I would do it for the earth. Go ahead, call me a hippy. I'm here to show you that all liberal tree huggers aren't weak pussies. I don't believe in non-violence and I want your blood. You're so soft. You wouldn't last a day without air conditioning and a fried mayonnaise IV drip. I will burst in your house while you're watching Celebrity apprentice and choking down a Mc Rib and remove your head. Neurosis blaring in my headphones. My steed licks the blood from my steel.  I shit on your god because you shit on mine.

I will cause 12 abortions for every right wing fucktard that opens their mouth.

The Planned Parenthood building is right by my house. I pass it everyday. Every time I do I flip off the people standing out front with their signs saying "pray to end abortion". You know, these pussies took the winter off. I guess their beliefs aren't strong enough to get cold over. I actually have to be careful because sometimes there's people that I know and respect out there. I've been trying to mull over why these people make me so angry for the past year, but now that the talk of cutting federal funding for Planned Parenthood has got all of the fucktards vocal, it's clear to me why I hate these people.

   I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that none of those people standing out on the street with a sign ever protested a war. I bet you wouldn't protest anything that actually mattered. I bet none of them gave a fuck when a corporation filled an entire sea with oil. Yep, I bet you pull right up in to BP and fill up your SUV on the way to get your nails did. I bet you are all Wal Mart shopping, McDonald's eating self righteous motherfuckers who want to appear all holy and spiritual over this non issue. Fuck the living, we're all getting fucked in the ass, but you're standing out in the street so everyone can see how holy you are.

Hey, maybe if you put any effort at all into things that affect the living, we'd be cool with having babies. I'm just barely getting by supporting myself, working a shit job that I hate, that will wear me down, that will make me insane. Hey, let me bring a kid in to this situation. I'm sure they'll grow up healthy and well adjusted in this fucked up ghetto town I live in, smack dab in the middle of corporate disgust, polluted ass, war monger U.S.A. Shit, I'd love to have a family but the world is fucking evil, and it's not the pro choicers that are causing it.

The world is overcrowded. Capitalism has caused us to live so far removed from nature that we have a disgusting glut of humanity. I think that people who choose not to have children until their ready should get a fucking medal. They actually are making a sacrifice. I bet it sucks to have an abortion. If it didn't fuck with you, you'd be a cold blooded motherfucker. The problem lies in our cultures fear of death. Our culture acts like death is the absolute worst thing possible. it's not. Having a quality death beats having a life with no quality. And guess what, I don't believe in your fairy tale god. You can "pray to end abortion" all you want. I pray that I'll win the lottery and you'll all grow dicks out of your forehead but neither is going to happen. Your god is not balancing the budget. So we have to get pro active.

Hey, guess what? The majority of what planned parenthood does is offer contraception, STD screenings and treatment, cancer screenings and other women's health shit. No one wants to be giving out abortions all willy nilly and no one wants to be getting them. They're trying to help people not get pregnant in the first place you shitheaps! You want to do something constructive? Go to Sams' and by one of those 100 pack of rubbers and give them free to high school kids. What about federal funding for free condom dispensers in all high school bathrooms? what about all bathrooms? How about paying for birth control for anyone who wants it instead of the 3 wars we're in and space exploration? How about taxing all the big dumbfuck corporations that are ass raping all of us and make them pay for some shit.

How about federally funding a time machine so I can go back in time and fuck all your mothers and then coerce them into aborting you with my golden tongue. Then the world would be a better place. I dare you to say some shit.

Batshit, Fatty and the Brandenburg Concerto

For anyone that doesn't know, here's a story that happened to me last summer and the follow up....

I was lonely. Don't judge me. I started seeing a girl i used to date several years prior (something I like to refer to as "sweatin' to the oldies"). I knew she was batshit, so we'll just call her Batshit. But sometimes loneliness will make you question your instincts. Maybe she was batshit back then but she's OK now...or maybe I'm different now, I don't know. Anyways this girl tells me she's been divorced for a year. We have a date night and i spend the night at her apartment. 

   I am awaken to her phone ringing. She tells me it's her ex trying to call. I blow it off and go back to sleep. Next thing I know I'm awaken again by a pounding at the door. "What the fuck is that?" I say. "It's my ex husband. He's drunk. He'll go away". Let me now add that I'm I'm not wearing a stitch of clothing. My instincts are screaming at me to go get my clothes, but they are right by the door that he's pounding on....french doors with little glass panes. The guy has actually climbed up on the porch and is beating at those doors. If I get up to get my clothes he will see/ hear me. I ignore my instincts and hope that he'll go away. He keeps pounding and I can hear him pressing on the door. I get up to look for a weapon when i hear the glass on the door break. I wrap a sheet around myself and go into the next room just as he's pushing the door open. "Hey motherfucker! Back da fuck up!" I say, all Onyx an shit. Then this fat ass motherfucker (who I will now refer to as "Fat Ass") says: "Who the fuck are you? You don't even know who the fuck I am!" and he runs at me, grabbing my throat (that's supposed to be my signature move) and starts yamming his fists away at my head. Now, I was not prepared for a fight. My first instinct was to protect Herman the one eyed German and the boys, so i drop my hands to cover the boys and just keep my head down. He's hitting the top of my head. I see stars for a moment. I yelled "call 9-1-1!" as he pushes my naked ass into a window, breaking it. But Jesus had cast a spell of protection on my beautiful buttucks and they remained unscathed. My feet did get cut up on the broken glass. Batshit is on the bed with the cops on the line and Fatass stops and runs over to her. He extends his hand to her and says "It's cool, shake my hand. It's cool, shake my hand" Then he runs out the door. 20 minutes later the cops show up and I have blood pouring out of my head. It's now light outside and the ambulance shows up but i refuse stitches. I gave my statement and went home.

   Now, I started to suspect something fishy when Batshit wouldn't go downtown to give a statement to the domestic abuse cops. By the way, the sergeant down there said if I had had a gun I would've been in my legal right to shoot him. But Batshit never called and asked how I was or anything. She won't respond to my inquiries as to why she won't press charges.

Months later I send her an email:

so, hows your life? I'm sure you don't care, but i'm pretty pissed at you about all that shit. Not only did you show no concern that i got fired on for being at your house, but i'm sure you never pressed charges. Is it because you're afraid of him or was there something you didn't want me or the court to know? all in all, i didn't deserve that and if only a few factors had been different, he or I could have gotten killed.
It doesn't matter anymore so you may as well be honest. I'm just curious. were y'all still fucking or were you still getting money from him? I just took it as a sign that i shouldn't be hanging out with you. Honestly, i don't hold much ill will toward him. I know you never liked him or respected him when you married him. You used him for god knows what. It probably fucked with his head.
i guess the cops never picked him up. if not, he still has a warrant that he will have to face sooner or later and then you'll get called into court as well and something will come out in the wash.

To which she replied:

he and i dated on and off constantly. we had broken up about a week before you and i hung out that night. i never recieved money from him.. i honestly did not expect anything that happened that night to occur. i hate that it happened, i do feel like it was my fault. i am glad that it didnt escalate to more than it was and that neither of you were seriously hurt. i learned a lot that night, i cannot change what happened, and i know i could never apologize enough. i want nothing more than to move on and move past this. if it ends up in court, then hopefully that will be the last of it. i wish you well in life and im sorry.

Anyways, last week I received a court summons. It all went something like this.

My summons was for 9am so I got there 15 minutes early. yes, i am annoyingly punctual. I sat in the fucking courtroom for 3 and a half hours and Fatass and his lawyer hadn't even shown up. I wasn't mad about it anymore before today, but now I want the death penalty. I'm having to listen to all these mudane court hearings about prostitutuion near a church or school and the results of the HIV test will determine the severity of the charge. The only thing that saved me from the most boring day ever was 1. The prosecuting attorney that was dealing with my case was fine as shit, but 2. this other girl working in the court was one of the finest women I have ever seen walking around with my eyeballs. I'm not talking slutty, thinking dirty thoughts hot, I'm talking so fine I could look at your face the rest of my life hot. Huge rock on her finger. Just so badass. I was in love.

   By lunchtime Fatass and his lawyer hadn't shown up, so court would reconvene at 2pm. As I was leaving the courtroom who do I see but Fatass and with him is BATSHIT!?! All Big and Fucking pregnant! Now I know what you're thinking because I thought it too, but that ain't my baby. Swab my mouth, Maury. That ain't my baby.

   When court reconvened I had to sit through a bunch more boring ass cases, when right before my case is about to start a whole group of about twelve first year law students come in and sit in the back of the court. All of them cute girls about 18-20! All with their little notepads and glasses and shit. mmm. damn.

   So the trial is underway. Fatass's lawyer is all Matlock and shit and he's all cross examining me and trying to make me out to be a liar! Like it was my fault for being there! Like Fatass was just a concerned husband coming by to check on his estranged wife who won't answer the phone or the door, so he breaks in to see if she's ok and gets attacked by a naked dude and was acting in self defense. Now, I don't know if you've seen my dick, but it may count as a deadly weapon. That was never brought up, though. But still, he's making me nervous like I did something wrong and the whole time the first year law students are looking at my ass and picturing me naked getting pummeled with my dick floppin around. Batshit got called to the stand and proved herself to be a lying trollop. Finally after 8 hours the judge ruled.......(drumroll) GUILTY! He saw right through their bullshit.

   The thing is, I feel bad. I didn't care anymore. I wish Batshit had just called me and said "hey, I'm sorry, but I'm pregnant and I don't want my husband to go to jail". I would've not showed up and the case would've been dropped! Now he's gonna go to jail and she's gonna have that baby without it's daddy. I don't wish that on anyone. But so much of this shit could have been avoided at so many points along the way. I wouldn't have cared if he didn't get convicted because I'm satisfied that both of them will be serving a double life sentence of fat, crazy lameness with a side of crying ass baby.

So what did we learn today?

1. Steer clear of scandalous chicks that write poetry. That's generally a good rule. If they write poetry, run screaming.

2. Always keep your clothes right beside you. OR...

3. Always leave and go home or stay at your house.

4. Always keep a weapon beside you when you sleep.

5. Always go to court showered and dressed your best because you never know when a bunch of law students or the girl of your dreams will be there.

6. Don't underestimate people's ability to forgive. Instead of being stupid, just humble yourself and ask. You may avoid jail time.

  

 I walked out into the beautiful downtown sunshine, breeze blowing off the river, whistling the Brandenburg Concerto and thanked God that I'm free, that i have no babies, that I don't have a psycho batshit pregnant wife, that i'm not going to jail and that my life is pretty drama free. 

Sometimes, the good guys win....

sane

Sure lucky to be alive, man
I guess I shouldn't brag
With death always so close round us
It should be me laying on that slab
But I've got one more day to think about
All the people I did wrong
I hope you know I'm truly sorry and I've paid for what I've done
I know there will still be hard times
And I hope my experience gives me the strength
To help hold you up
Because God knows you've kept me sane

Thoughts on people trying to convert me....

People sometimes try to convert me. Or it's more like they just suggest an answer that they've found. Get me to read bible verses and such. I usually do. I'm open to hear some wisdom. I ususally never get some profound truth out of it. You know, the things you know with the core of your being?...that to believe otherwise would be to not exist? I'd argue that that feeling is a key to the "divine" and not words on a page or some ritual.


   A few weeks ago I was sick and sitting at a stoplight on my way to work. It was cold. I wouldn't have gotten out of bed except I couldn't afford to be sick. As I drove past the ugly urban sprawl I thought about how many banks and churches I was passing and I had a thought:


   You guys won already. Why would anyone try to convert me? 76% of American identify themselves as Christians. That's an overwhelming majority. Did you know that every U.S. president has been a Christian? About 88% of U.S. military are Christians?


Here's my point. Christianity has been the Religion of western Civilization for as long as there has been western civilization. And this is the world you have built. Congratufuckinglations. And this is why I wont convert.


I don't need a book to tell me that, if we are all the same, if we are all made from 1 (god) then nationalism and patriotism are sins. Would your Jesus want you drawing up political lines and fighting over resources?
   I don't need a book to tell me that it is wrong to destroy and pollute the earth so that a few can be rich and the rest of us can be controlled. The earth is beautiful and could provide everything we need as long as we take a good hard look at what we REALLY need, and not just silly shit that we want. Like snuggies and fleshlights. And that we should respect the thing that gives us life and the diversity of it and try to help protect the balance of it all.
   I don't need a book to tell me that we all have the same basic wants, and launching missiles at people and invading and occupying other peoples lands is wrong.


   My spirituality is governed by this knowing that comes from within my soul and I can't misinterpret it and I can't lie about it. I love seeing people that preach to me about how they have all these answers do the exact same shitty things that we all do. The only difference between them and me is that they talked all this shit and acted so self righteous. I only know what I feel is wrong and can only give you my opinion and the proof will be in the pudding in the end. I don't have to scare you with visions of hell, because you will create your own end. This is the world you've created now. Do you love it?


   I think Christianity is just a convenient loophole for people. It allows you to be in a club, but you don't have to do anything different. You can just say you believe it and do whatever you want and be forgiven. I don't have all the answers, but I'm SEEKING and LISTENING and not latching on to the safest and most convenient thing that was sold to me from birth. The world is fucked and you guys are still trying to get us all on your side but your shit is NOT WORKING. It's too vague, up for too much interpretation. How someone can call themselves a Christian and still be in the military blows my fucking mind. I interpret the words as promoting loving thy enemy and shit, but like I said....too many loopholes. I've asked enough questions and sought enough to where I KNOW what kind of world I want to live in. One without countries, borders and flags. One without banks and churches. One where I don't have to go to work sick because I'm so fucking broke. 


So please, leave me be. You won't convert me. You already have so many on your side, you can't possibly say that it's the small minority of non believers holding you back. That would be a sorry excuse. You guys have had control for so long. And I hate the world you've built. You can tell me I'm lost all you want. I went to your churches and I prayed and I prayed and never heard a voice from the sky, never saw proof of a caring deity. I honestly can't see how if Jesus is real how he would let so many people fuck shit up in his name. So, perhaps you guys aren't fucking up at all. Perhaps you're all doing exactly what you're supposed to do. Perhaps I'm in league with the devil. Perhaps in hell, everything will be lush and green, corporations will not rule, food and medicine and education will be free and  nations will not exist. 
   So, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go indulge in heathenism. I'm going to go walk my dog somewhere in the sunshine where it's pretty and not spend any money. Praise hail Satan.

It's easy to swim in the shallow end

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Now, this is not an indictment against them...the reason for a family's dysfunction could be speculated forever....blame could be chased back through generations and unfortunate circumstances like a pit bull chasing his ghost of a tail and never catching it. I love my family and am glad everything happened as it did. I learned all the lessons I needed to learn to get my mind where it is today, so I will take all the bad with the good.
   I guess troubled kids tend to gravitate towards each other because all my friends growing up came from broken homes and fucked up families. I understand now that your family is always supposed to have your back but as a teen it was more important for someone to "get" me. My family never "got" me and probably still doesn't. Perhaps that's a life long process.
   My friends and I adopted each other as our families, and I hold on to most of them today. Because we were all troubled, a lot of them succumbed to their various neurosees and addictions. I've probably lost more friends than a lot of people will have in their lives. My friends have kept me sane throughout the years and I probably would have offed myself long ago if not for them. From an early teen the most important thing in my life has been my friendships. My family may have bore my body, but my friends bore my soul, if you can dig it.
   That being said there is not much I wouldn't do for these people in my life. I'd scoop out my eyeballs with a red hot spoon, rip my heart out of my chest and stomp on it....take bullets...run through walls. But most of all I will be here for you. Swallow my pride when needed...listen, understand....empathize. I hoped that everyone I call friend would understand this about me...that they would consider me invaluable....not disposable.


   But I have to understand that everyone did not grow up like me. Some people grew up with a healthy family. Some people value money. Some people are so insecure about themselves that they get in to a relationship and forget their friends exist. Until that fails and then they need a shoulder to cry on. Some people do not value their friendships like I do. Some people go through friends like they do pairs of shoes. It sucks to know that someone you would bend over backwards for could easily walk away from you...or see you out and pretend you don't exist. It sucks that people will allow a rift to be, instead of getting to the bottom of it.

   I have some of the most difficult friends a person could have. stubborn, neurotic....assholes, if you will. But I love them with everything I've got, and expect no less from them. Sometimes I need to learn who doesn't reciprocate this feeling and finally cut them loose. If you'd rather be petty....If you'd rather use your drama as an excuse to not put any energy in to it then fine. It's easy to swim in the shallow end. Have fun in the pee pee with your water wings on.

false security

When I was 30 I felt this fear steal over me. It had always been there, just gnawing away in my guts...tossing and turning at just the right moments. It was a fear that drove all my decisions in life as an adult. As a kid, it was quieter. I had hope. I believed the universe HAD to give you exactly what you imagined if you believed it hard enough. I had always envisioned what my life would be like at thirty. Married, kids....perfecting the established formula....succeeding where my parents and the families of most people I know had failed.
   I looked around at thirty and saw my friends married, having babies...I thought....wait, that was supposed to be a part of my plan....i must have failed in some way....


   I thought about buying a house, settling down roots and living like an adult. I started paying rent on a 750/month two bedroom with a pool, and workshops and gas fireplace and washer and dryer. I had central heat and air that worked right for the first time in years. I was trying to get my credit straight to purchase it. I was on my way to the American dream.


   I remember being out in the cold, after dark, right before Christmas trying to finish a carpentry job. Miserable. 4 degrees outside. I had a girl waiting on me at home that I was head over heels for. I would come home and make dinner while she studied and we would drink wine and make love in front of the gas fireplace. Yep, all that lame shit.
   But the stress of worrying about bills pushed me down like a boot on my chest. Things began to break and wear out on the house and my time, energy and money to fix them could not keep up with how fast they broke. 
My truck broke down, my cat died and I began to notice my girlfriends's insanity. I resented my job and my own insanity began to obscure my vision. I was enveloped in a dark cloud of doubt, stress and worry. The serpent of anxiety sat coiled on my sternum and feasted in my chest.


I had to do something before I lost my mind. I bailed on the house and moved back in to the tiny back house I had lived in years ago. I had to downsize all my possessions to do this. I took only what could fit in a small bedroom, kitchen and bathroom.
Soon after, the woman proved herself to be absolutely insane. the most poisonous person I had ever met in my life.


It didn't take long for all the foundation of security I had been trying to build around myself to crumble. I decided to relish in it. I got hungry again. All I had to count on was all the dreams I had when I was a kid before the fear set in. I plunged myself into self improvement. I finished a script I'd been working on for damn near 10 years. I started working out more, My lovers became hope and accomplishment. Acting out of desire instead of fear, I began to build myself up again.


I realized that no hoops we jump through can protect us from the inevitable. We are all going to be alone and sick and die at some point. No amount of comfort, tangible or intangible can cushion us from our impending loss. and we all go out the same way, empty handed and alone. 
The only thing i feel i will be able to take with me is that sense of accomplishment. That i didn't waste my time pinching pennies, that I let it all ride for something ultimate.


   I'm not saying that the fear never comes around. How will I make rent tomorrow? How will I take care of my parents when I'm older, and will I always be alone?
But I'm chasing a fulfillment that I think cannot be taken away. My soul knows which way to go and rebels at every wrong turn. I would love to know there's a guiding force whispering to it, directing me to a greater purpose....but I can't count on it. I've never heard your God in the ceiling and have stopped listening. There's a different feeling in my chest. It's more of a pull now than a push.My religious friends will tell me that it is god guiding me, but I've learned to not have faith. Just hope for the best and expect the worst. But understand your purpose. The thing that you were made for. For me, it's the things that make the doubts and fear go away. I wish I believed there was something to catch us when we make a leap of faith....some kind of wind to throw caution to.....but like that song says..."if I die tryin now, I wont die wonderin how life would've turned out".

It doesn't scare me to believe in nothing. Everything in life there is to have faith in has failed me at this point....Family, nation, religion, relationships....I find a comfort in the instability of it all. the only thing you can count on is that you can't count on any of it. It is fluid and you have to be fluid with it. 


Security is an illusion. Definitely in this life....so why not the idea of security in the afterlife as well? All the fairy tales were lies....but that's a good thing. If we throw them all out then we wont have this thing we're trying to live up to and failing.

Well, enough drunken 4am writing. good night.