I wanna be a bear

Sometimes I wish we still lived in the wild west. I like the idea of being able to blast a man for snoring too loud and be able to get away with it. I'd shoot a lot of people in the face. dig this:


   Last week. Work day. Sunny and 65 degrees. It feels awesome. I had been really sick and was still really recovering, but I can't really afford to be sick anyways. Really, the sunshine was making me feel better. Then I start to hear the loudest, most godawful drone. The folks across the street have a yard crew with two leaf blowers. It's painfully loud from at least this far away, if not just painfully annoying. This is what makes me long to blast someone. But I wouldn't shoot Paco and Juan. They're just poor dudes trying to feed their families. I'd kick the door in and fire on the homeowners in my fantasy world without consequences.
   Leafblowers? really? is that worth somone losing a face over? I think so. Many reasons.


1. Louder than holy god. 
Like a retarded bumble bee mic'ed and pumped through a 2000 watt amp at full volume. and droning. I once read a study on the correlation between areas with a lot of noise and cases of insanity. like people that live under flight paths. Or restaraunt cooks with the all the refrigerators and things humming everywhere. I've known a lot of cooks. batshit crazy. Noise interferes with communication, sleep, and work. The U.S. EPA says noise degrades quality of life by impairing communication and social interaction; reducing the accuracy of work, particularly complex tasks; and creating stressful levels of frustration and aggravation that last even when the noise has ceased.
The normally acceptable ambient noise level in residential areas is no more than 60 dB; 60-70 is conditionally acceptable; and higher levels are normally unacceptable. The decibel scale is logarithmic--each increase of 10, say 60 to 70, represents a noise 10 times louder.
The average blower measures 70-75 dB at 50 feet, thus louder at any closer distance. Leaf blowers are routinely used less than 50 feet from unconsenting pedestrians and neighboring homes that may be occupied by home workers, retirees, day sleepers, children, the ill or disabled, and pets.
The World Health Organization recommends general daytime outdoor noise levels of 55 dBA* or less, but 45 dBA to meet sleep criteria. Thus, even a 65-decibel leaf blower would be 100 times too loud** to allow healthful sleep (which often takes place during daytime hours for night workers and others). Noise can impair sleep even when the sleeper is not awakened.


Acoustics experts say blower noise is especially irritating because of its particular pitch, the changing amplitude, and the lack of control by the hearer.
Also, the leaf blowers are harmful to the ears of the operators. There's going to be a lot of deaf Juans out there.  A blower measuring 70-75 dB at 50 feet can reach 90-100 dB at the operator's ear. OSHA requires hearing protection for noise over 85.


2. regular pollution. 
Emissions from the two-stroke combustion engine include particlate matter (PM) as well as gaseous carbon monoxide, nitrogen oxides, and hydrocarbons (CO, NOx, and HC). Leaf blowers also raise (entrain) dust from the ground. And evaporative emissions of fuel occur during the refueling process, which sometimes spills gas on the operators, and from the fuel tank. 
Fine PM2.5 particles, which are man-made and do not occur in nature, evade the body's defense systems. According to the EPA and ARB they can increase the number and severity of asthma attacks, cause or aggravate bronchitis or other lung disease, and reduce our ability to fight infections.
Leaf blower motors are inordinately large emitters of CO, NOx, HC, and PM. Two-stroke engine fuel is a gasoline-oil mixture, thus especially toxic.According to the Lung Association, a leaf blower causes as much smog as 17 cars.
Street dust includes lead, organic carbon, and elemental carbon according to a study conducted for the ARB. The Lung Association states "the lead levels are of concern due to [their] great acute toxicity... Elemental carbon...usually contains several adsorbed carcinogens." Another study found arsenic, cadmium, chromium, nickel, and mercury in street dust as well. The ARB states that a leaf blower creates 2.6 pounds of PM10 dust emissions per hour of use.
The EPA and ARB, in their brochure "Particulate Matter Air Pollution: A threat to our health" advise us, "Avoid using leaf blowers."


3. It's pointless and in fact, counter productive to the way nature works.
   People are stupid. Nature however is not and had this whole system worked out. You see, trees drop their leaves in the fall. The leaves decay and enrich the soil, which the same tree gets it's nutrients from. It's a beautiful cycle whose purpose I understood when I was 3. When you take the leaves away, You're taking the tree's ability to feed itself. Now, the poor uneducated saps running the leaf blowers might not know this, but the homeowner with the nice job that can afford lawn service should. And it's not like people are out enjoying their yards anymore anyways. They're inside eating Cheetos and watching wrestling or pawn stars or some shit. So, the main motivating force in having a kempt lawn is vanity. keeping up with the joneses. giving a shit what your shitty neighbors think. And then they pay money for fertilizers for their yard. Some polluting corporation is taking your money and poisoning the earth because you wont allow nature to do what it does for free, and every once in a while you want to raise your head up from your mayonnaise trough and look out the window and see some neat, orderly bastardization of nature. 
   When did we decide that leaves were offensive? I have never been offended by leaves on the ground. Or any plants for that matter. my family always wanted me to spray poison on the ground to kill weeds. really? You're so offended by a plant that you'll dump something toxic on the ground. and bugs eat the plants and birds eat the bugs and cats eat the birds. Is your head so far up your ass that you can't grasp this concept? Of course the people in my family that wanted to throw poison on the ground were so naive that they believed that anything a company could sell you at a store could not possibly be harmful to anything. big corporations only have out best interests in mind, right?
I had a roommate for a while that would be offended by grass growing up between the cracks in the concrete and pine trees dropping needles in our front yard. I loved theses things, especially the little bit of grass. "It may take me a long fucking time, but slowly and steadily, I'm gonna bust this fucking concrete that you assholes put here."
4. Resources for disposal
At the end of the day there was about 30 garbage bags full of leaves on the curb. Trash bags are made from petroleum. Do I need to tell you how shitty our constant need for petroleum is? probably. You're stupid as fuck. Then it takes crews of men (that we have to pay) to load up all these bags and drive them all to the dump where they're dumped with all the inorganic matter, making a stew of toxic nauseous methane. Ever been to a city dump? everyone should have to go for educational purposes. There's two here in town that I have to go to frequently. I call them mount st. garbage. They stink. You'll smell it for days after you leave. There's buzzards and sometimes sea gulls (yes in Memphis) and those annoying plastic grocery bags are blowing around everywhere.


5. Clogged Storm Drains
There's always some asshole blowing all the leaves into the street. You ever been driving just to have some shithead blow leaves and dirt all over your car? I like to drive as close to them as I can without hitting them and try to blow that shit right back at them.


The yard crew finally left and I sighed with relief only to discover a block away there were two more fucking leaf blowers going.

   You still may say "yeah, it's annoying but is it really worth blasting someones face off over"? I say, it's the way of nature. If you stood by sleeping bear's cave and did the loudest, most pointless thing imaginable and that bear woke up and destroyed you, was the bear being evil? No. you were being stupid and got what you deserve. But the laws are made to protect the weak. People are weak as fuck. I wanna be a bear.

The world is my bible....

Hey! Guess what? People have been studying the bible and arguing about it's meaning since the thing was written. People can use it to agree with whatever their particular slant is and then damn you to hell for eternity for whatever it is you are doing that they don't agree with. I like to think of the bible as spirituality for dummies. Let's discuss.


spirituality is that which relates to or affects the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things. 


The problem with discussing spiritual matters is that most texts on the subject are clouded by culture, or the want of power or mental influences. If one understands we are all intrinsically entwined with each other at our cores, all a part of this great oneness some people call god then it seems elementary to me that the best way to deal with spiritual matters is within...to shed the things that encumber our minds and to FEEL what is right or wrong. Some people call this meditation, others prayer, but I think generally spiritual truth is goddamn common sense. For instance...

Some of the "spiritual truths" in the bible. The Golden Rule for instance. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". No shit, Sherlock. I figured that out when I was 4. Did I need Jesus to tell me that? No, I learned it when some shitty kid took my Transformer and it made me feel like ass. How about the 10 commandments. Don't steal, don't kill, don't be jealous, don't fuck people's wives. What sort of idiot bumbles through life without feeling the results of most or all of these things happening to them without realizing it sucks?

Yes, my spirituality is based on human experience, because you can't argue with how things make you feel in the core of your soul, dumbass. I don't need a fucking bronze age bore-a-thon soap opera to teach me that. There are spiritual lessons around us at all times, every day. You're fucking stupid.

One of the reasons I've been thinking about this is the abortion issue. I think pro lifers are fucking dumb. You wanna know why? because you're getting all up in arms over that issue, but there is terrible shit going on all around you that you are ignoring. The world's population just reached 7 billion. We are destroying the planet and multiplying at a rate that is speeding us towards disaster. Yeah, abortion bothers you but you probably love driving to corporate wastelands like the wolfchase area and buying shiny shit for your dumb brain. How much of the world have you experienced as the way it should be before man pissed all over it? You ever hike into the back country of Yellowstone or Yosemite? You ever hiked in to the Grand Canyon? Have you ever gone to a place untouched by man and sat and listened, and truly felt the earth and your place in it? Probably not. You watch TV. You get your spirituality spoon fed to you the same way you do your entertainment. You've probably never been brave enough to question or wrestle with all the things you've been told, because you're a scared pussy. It's true. It is scary starting from scratch, to realize most people's motivations for telling you stuff is based on their fears and their need for power and control. It IS scary to say "I don't know" and then have to go through all the effort to find out. It actually takes *gasp* work.

 So the world is fucked and the system we have is shitting all over everything and enslaving people and you're gonna tell them they need to keep on breeding. I know some people who stand out in front of Planned Parenthood with signs and you know what? They come from a loving family. They are not living in poverty. but they're gonna stand out there and make people whose situation they do not know feel like shit in an already hard time. They're gonna tell someone from the hood that already has 3 kids that they're wrong if they decide to terminate. Fucking entitled white people trying to tell everyone how awesome the world is and how much God loves us and having more kids is rad. Well, I say fuck that.
I've listened to the core of my being to find out if it's wrong for me. It's not. It may be wrong for you and that's fine. Quit trying to control everyone's fate because when the shit goes down, you're not there to help them. They have to deal with their path on their own. If you don't like abortion, then why not try and fight some of the reasons people have them. Like poverty. Go fucking take care of poor people, instead of just trying to appear self righteous on a street corner. Go pass out condoms to High School kids. Go adopt. Just shut the fuck up about it. And don't quote me bible passages and argue your stupid mythology to me and say you know the true voice of god. God's voice could be in anything at anytime and most of the time it is voiceless, beyond voice. Feel what you know is right or wrong.

Spirituality is where true altruism lies because, when you discover our spiritual connectedness you discover the idea of a greater good. Sometimes you have to sacrifice things for the greater good. We need to figure out how to get things on the right path before we wantonly create more people in spite of our circumstances because we found it impossible to curb millions of years of survival instinct in our urges to procreate. You know what? I'd like to have some kids. Love to, in fact but I'm fucking dirt ass poor and I'm not in a stable situation where it would be a good idea, so I won't. I'm not gonna drag someone through life when I'm totally unprepared because Ward and June Cleaver told me that everything is gonna turn out rad and that god is gonna love me and take care of me forever. It may not. God may shit all over me. It sometimes does, so I'm not gonna count on it. I'll fucking do it when I know I'm ready. I weigh out all the options and in spite of the fact that I want to have kids, it would make my situation shittier which would make my kid's situation shitty and shitty situations equal shitty people. I didn't have to read that from a book, you fucking troglodyte. You're not smart enough to tell me what to do. Isn't there something dumb on TV you should be watching? When you've been brave enough to do some soul searching and wrestle with your spirituality and come up with an original idea that no one had to tell you, then you can sit at the adults table and have an enlightened discussion. Bitch.

The creature in my chest

Recently, a friend asked me why I haven't published any blog posts lately. Actually, this is a person that I've never actually met, but we bonded over my stupid writings. She said that she needed something to read on her boring lunch breaks. I never really intended this to be entertainment. I write as therapy, and lately I had this feeling like I've never felt before. Fulfillment.
You see, I've been doing what I felt like I was born to do. Making movies in the woods with people I love and respect. The setting was perfect, the action and the company. But as I sit idle on a break I am overcome with what something that I should look at as an old friend. A near crippling anxiety churns in my guts as if i'm hosting one of the little creatures from the Alien movies. I feel as if I could vomit. I want to crawl under my covers and die. I want to get in my truck and drive as far as the money in my pocket will take me.
   I think it's amusing to hear people's perceptions of me. Often it's so far from reality that it's amusing. People tell me all the time that i come off conceited and cocky. The truth is I've always been driven by this anxiety. It's a self loathing. I'm always pushing toward the horizon because in my mind my self worth is always tied up in what I create. I always feel that I will love myself once I accomplish X, or I will be happy when I can achieve Y. I guess that's what separates me from the truly arrogant is that in my mind I am an insignificant piece of shit. I'm not looking for reassurance. Sometimes I think this is a virtue. Striving keeps me alive. But at the same time this anxiety is also a sickness. It's a blessing an a curse. I can never rest on my laurels because I never feel that what I'm accomplishing is worth a shit. I'll always be striving.
   I have a friend that told me: "a lot of people think you're a mediocre actor, but I think you're really good". I've never thought I was a good actor. But I want to be. I'm hungry for it. I'll never be satisfied. I've never thought I was good at any of this. But i want to be. I'm trying....
   Recently I had one of those brief moments of clarity where I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Those are so rare, like the sun peeking through dark clouds, and I basked in this feeling while it lasted. It's amazing how I've learned to take happiness with my guard up. I look at happiness with distrust, always ready to get punched in the face at any time. I guess it's been learned over time. there's no ideal situation. Everything has teeth. You can take nothing for granted. Everything that can go wrong will eventually. I guess the key is to learn to enjoy the ride for both the ups and downs. Every fucking fall I took helped me to better stand. So why cant I enjoy the falls too? If I regret no pain I ever felt, why can't I just let my guard down? What's the source of the anxiety? I've seen the cycles and I understand they all come around. If I distrust happiness in anticipation of pain then why cant i distrust pain as well? Is pain greater than joy?
Ultimately, maybe this anxiety is a survival instinct. maybe it's what keeps me alive. Maybe it's the thing that has saved me from the fates of so many of my friends that didn't strive and gave up and lost their lives. I don't think I'm better than anyone and even if I did I know the universe doesn't give a fuck. The universe treats a million dollars and a pile of shit the same in the end. It'll all wash away from memory. The universe owes us nothing, but it doesn't mean we can't collect.
I know what'll kill it. I've got songs to write and movies to make. My brain is like an amp feeding back to drown out all the bullshit. That's all this is is feedback. Like the Tim Barry song says: "just know I won't go easy, man I'll kick and punch til there's nothing left". My creative output is just kicking and punching. I'm not here to entertain and I really don't give a fuck if anyone reads this or not. I write it for me. Not because I think I'm awesome but because I don't.
I guess the thing I had my guard up against most is myself. All the doubt and fears come from somewhere inside myself. All my chains are fashioned by myself and I take responsibility for all of them.

Names shmames

I had this great convo with a friend today. We agreed on some stuff and disagreed on some stuff. We never argued. We considered each other's points of view because we had a mutual respect and could tell that the other had put some thought in to their opinion. We both agreed that neither of us could be considered "right wing" or "left wing", "conservative" or "liberal". We may swing either way depending on the subject or believe something that doesn't fit rightly into either. That's right. My ideas, thoughts and feelings are so complex that they cannot be boxed in. Most people are simpletons, and just choose a box without doing much thinking and then will viciously attack you defending those ideas that someone else thought of.
   My friend went on to tell me of a guy who was offended by the title of my blog: "My War with God". If the guy had ever read my blog and tried to comprehend what he was reading he would have found that, in a lot of ways the idea was meant to be ironic...and in other ways it would have been better to say "My struggle with other people's ideas of God". The guy would have seen that it was thoughts and ideas on a number of topics from my life that i summed up as a spiritual struggle...or perhaps more like a spiritual journey. Which we are all on, but I try to be conscious of my spiritual journey and guide it. Most people are just sitting in their recliners eating cheetoes and watching nascar. I'm trying to think, to learn and to grow. To wrestle with the ideas I've been fed and test them instead of blindly accepting. Why would we ever have to argue over the truth?
   I've found that, just as I can not be easily defined politically, I cannot be easily defined spiritually either. Perhaps if the people who judge me were to really hear what I'm saying they would understand that I hold many "christian" values. Here's a small piece of what I believe:
   If we were all created from 1 God, wouldn't god want us to honor and respect all that he created? I don't believe he would want us drawing up divisions against one another. Because the divisions don't matter. If no label you could ever try and put on ME will do any justice to the complexity that is within me, how can any Label do justice to the complexity of god? How do the words jesus or allah or yaweh do any justice to the thing that created the universe? That is all things and is within all things? How can those paltry syllables, these faces of men do any glory to that which is all encompassing? Those are just syllables. The language that should be important is the language of your spirit which is beyond words and names. In death, all these words and names will be washed away.
   I got frustrated on the 4th of july. I heard a lot of words of pride and patriotism. Well, I believe pride is a sin isn't it? And what are you proud of? Being born on a particular spot of land in a particular time? You didn't do anything. It made me think of children drawing circles around themselves on a playground. If Jesus came to earth right now would he call himself an American or would he view all life as his father's children? The names are what divides us.
Me and a friend had some words on the 4th. She asked me what I was doing to change things. It made me think a lot. I believe that we need to grow beyond our petty divisions of nationalism, class, sex, race and religion and try to solve our real problems. Every day I try and think for myself instead of just accepting what I'm told. I changed the name of my blog because it just doesn't fucking matter. These are just ideas, and they will change and grow and expand and they don't fully define me no matter how hard I try. So, I'm sorry to all those I offended. From now on, I won't rock the boat. 'cause that's how shit really gets done. Blind acceptance is what this world needs, by golly. This will be the new me. I will throw as many boxes and labels on myself as i can find and will stop all this "thinking" and "researching" and "questioning". Boy am I glad. all that shit was hard work. Can you pass the cheetos? Is wrestling on?

on dating crazy people....

I always hated it when dudes say stuff like "All bitches be crazy". I knew this was of course, not true. Yes, there are differences in the way men and women are wired and sometimes things clash. Sometimes I wonder if even the clashes are part of the overall plan...like maybe there comes a time when we're supposed to be repulsed by each other. Maybe the idea of a family unit is something man made up, but nature had an entirely different plan. I think about stuff like that all the time...how our system of morality is directly at odds with the way our natural instincts tell us to act. Which one is right? The higher self versus the lower self. God vs. the Devil...the devil not being evil in this case but just an adaptation of the great god Pan, lord of bestial urges....

Here lately, though I've encountered true insanity in my involvements with women. At least, I think it is. The most recent episode was insanity without a doubt and it makes me wonder....is insanity becoming more prevalent with the times? How do these people function in the real world? Last night I tried to use reason on an insane person. it never works. You know someone is insane when you could illustrate the most well thought out and reasonable idea and they counter with the one thing they are stuck on. Last night I spoke calmly and made sense while someone just looked me in the eye and repeated "you're a piece of shit". I had a crazy ex who would always answer "you're attacking my character". I could make a power point presentation of reason and logic with graphs and pie charts and in no way be attacking her character and she would just repeat "you're attacking my character". Someone else I know says "don't threaten me". Arguing with a crazy will just wear you out.

   Another person I was involved with recently had a conversation with me and then several hours later denied ever having that conversation. She did a lot of other things and at some point i told her she was batshit crazy. I'm not 100% sure she is, though. I think sometimes people are manipulative and unaware of it. It reminds me of that book, the Celestine Prophecy. Now, think what you will about that book and there is definitely some hippy dippy bullshit in there but the part about "control dramas" is right on. Basically, if every interaction between humans is an energy exchange, people develop involuntary methods of gaining energy in different situations and feeling victorious over others and generally they don't even know they're doing it. People learn these from their parents, mostly. There are 4 main ways people draw energy from others in this manner: intimidating, interrogating, playing a victim and being aloof. I sincerely believe in these. When I would argue with the specific girl I'm talking about I would feel drained, like my soul was being sucked out of my body. I honestly don't believe she is a bad person and I believe she was unaware she was doing it. It was just something she had developed in her life, and I am just sensitive to those kinds of things. I have consciously recognized this behavior and made an effort to stop it in my own life. That's why my threshold for dealing with people's bullshit is so small. I am not interested in playing gross power games with anyone. I will walk the fuck away in an instant.
Then there was the last real relationship I was in. you know, the one where she did a 180 degree personality switch and then told me Jesus told her to break up with me. I saw her months later and she had a ring with a cross on her ring finger to remind her that she was "married to Jesus". If that's not insane, what is?

   Why do I care? I had a friend tell me recently that I cared too much about this kind of shit. Of course, he's happily in a relationship while I'm out courting the nation's lunatics. I go back and forth between thinking it's weak to even care about relationships and that yes, those are something that a person needs in their life. I can't lie, it'd be nice to be appreciated and to have someone to make sticky love to on the regular....and also like the Articles of Faith song says: "Stop your bitching. That's what you want. Someone to hold you in the night when you lose your guts". You see, I try really fucking hard. I look around and see most people with no goals, no purpose, no sense of destiny. People just working to eat cheetos and watch wrestling and get a nut every night. I'm fighting everyday to accomplish what I feel I'm supposed to do. I have sacrificed many forms of security and stability to let it all ride on what I believe is ultimate. I refuse to live a mediocre existence. I'm constantly seeking to fulfill myself mentally, physically and spiritually an have been relentless. It'd be nice to feel appreciated. To have someone say "I see what you're trying to do and it's honorable, now make sexy explosion on my boobs". Instead, I generally get dismissed. "he's an asshole", "he fucked me once and never did again", "he didn't fuck me and I'm mad". I bust my ass to not be mediocre and you put me in a box. Fuck you in the face.

   There's this scene in the movie IP man, about the guy that popularized Wing Chun and was a mentor to Bruce Lee...Ip man just fucked up 10 dudes all at once. He comes home and his wife sees his bloody hands and starts silently bandaging them. That's what I need. Someone to bandage my bloody hands after I fight against the world. Someone to be cool water for my boiling brain. Is it weak to want that? Maybe. But I'm also here to enjoy my life. Fuck you haters. In the face.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to complete myself. I'm very introspective and always try to be complete from within. If my destiny is to go it alone, then fine. Honestly, all the insane people have burnt me out. I'll go back to trying to make shit happen for myself. In reality, I see so many people I know with fucked up marriages and relationships and I wonder why I would want any part of that. You can always learn to be happy by yourself, but you could smash your head into the wall of a bad partnership for a lifetime until you finally realized it's futile and you wasted so much time and energy. One thing you can not get back is time.

but sometimes I remember the good times I had in my life when my relationships were good and I long for that feeling....like trying to remember a song you once loved or your favorite food that you haven't eaten in years....I've just gotten so good at being by myself, and I'll stand for no bullshit. Maybe it's me that's gone insane. Maybe everyone else is normal. What I think is funny is all the people that tell me how sensitive I am. My friends that make fun of me and jokingly call me emo an shit like that. Usually they are always in relationships, snuggling up with their special boos behind closed doors. I'm not afraid to go it alone. I see the weakness and desperation in so many of your relationships. Maybe that's why I'm attracted to crazies. Maybe subconsciously I know it'll be easy to get the fuck on down when I need to. Go ahead and make fun of me for being sensitive. The proof is in the pudding. I will drop some cold blooded shit on a crazy person before I will put up with any amount of bullshit just to feel validated. Also, you need to work on your reading comprehension. I look at things from several sides. Nothing is black and white. Now, go have an argument or watch a romantic comedy or something and I'll go do something awesome.

The River

I'm a piece of shit. Fucking hypocrite asshole. Part of the problem.

Me and Hooper set our kayaks in the Wolf River at Walnut Grove. Our plan was to float all the way to the Mississippi and check out the floodwaters. The day was overcast and unseasonably chilly. I noticed all the trees than had been knocked down. A few weeks earlier the Wolf had been higher than I'd ever seen it. We saw huge dams of trees and limbs piled up against the bridge pylons and a fair amount of trash, but not too bad.
   We explored some of the creeks that flowed in to the Wolf. We found a trot line that someone had run across one of these creeks with several large catfish attached to it, one weighing up to 12 lbs, old and scarred. I wondered if the guy that had run the trot line could also skin a buck and plow a field all day long....

  As we floated down we thought about what an under utilized resource this was. Why don't more people boat this river? I mean, yes, it's dirty but there was enough nature to give me that serene feeling I get when I get out to the woods. I started to think about what it must have been like for the natives that lived here and paddled up and down the river. The river would have given them everything they needed. There was fish, there was game...we saw beavers and a deer swim across the river in front of us. I thought about how man was intrinsically entwined to rivers. The first civilizations sprung up because of rivers, and now it was a great toilet bowl. The natives had the right idea. To me, what they had was true freedom. I am not an American. America as we no it is not my idea of freedom. Freedom to me is not owning anything...it is living in a world where everything is provided all around us. This is the way the world used to be before it was conquered. Capitalism does not equal freedom. We're all slaves. Everyday I have to work to pay the tax man, the insurance man, the oil man. At one point, one could just exist....
   We stopped and ate our lunches at Kennedy park in Raleigh that backs right up to the river. There was a picnic area that looked like it had not been maintained in years. A burnt down pavilion, a dilapidated playground that made me think of lost innocence. I wondered if roving gangs of kids still roamed these woods like my friends and I did when we were kids or if they were all transfixed by tvs and computers now. Just another way that the last of the beauty of the world will be stolen right out from under us while we're all checking our facebook statuses.
   The river became more swollen the farther down we got and became more stagnant. This is because the Mississippi was pushing back up into it. This is where the trash got unbelievable. We weaved through the forests in our boats and the trash stretched on for miles. Every manner of plastic and Styrofoam drink container, sports balls, 50 gallon drums....and hundeds of thousands of plastic bags. My pictures do the amount of trash we saw no justice. The water began to stink and we saw dead fish...I wondered about all the trash I've created in my life. I've been recycling as long as it's been easily available...but how many tons of trash have I created? and how much resources does it take to recycle? Is it really worth it in the end?
   I had a friend the other day arguing with me about how rad capitalism was. I posted something funny about BP and he said some dumb right wing shit like "If you don't like it move to China or Cuba". Here was the result of capitalism stretched before me. Fast food and Soda sells like almost nothing else and there is no true value in it. It's bad for our bodies and bad for the environment. It is only worth a moment of indulgence. In the end, we're paying to kill ourselves.
   We paddled up on an asphalt business that was totally flooded. The water really stank and the rainbows from petroleum covered the surface of the water.
   I've heard a lot about the tragedy of the flood. about how people are losing their homes and jobs. It's not a tragedy to me. This is the river's territory. The river has always been here and will be here long after we are gone. We encroached on it. It showed us who's boss.
   I started thinking of life as a river. You can try to control it and build up your treasures in spite of it, but it can swallow up all you think you've gained in an instant. It's best to steer yourself around on it, but ultimately navigate it's twists and turns and learn to take what it provides you. Everything we need is on that river and always has been. And trying to go backwards always ends in futility.
   After 10 hours we finally ht the Mississippi and I got to see it from a perspective that I never had before. It made me feel small and insignificant.
   I know that I never want to buy another drink in a plastic bottle again. I think everyone should have to float the river and really see what we hath wrought. The Wolf is a small river, just one of the thousands of small waterways that drain into the Mississippi and in to the ocean. There's an island of trash in the Pacific twice the size of Texas. We have to stop. Now. You surely can't eat fish out of the Wolf river or Mississippi and soon you won't be able to eat it out of the ocean. That's capitalism at work. That's why it's doomed to fail eventually, but not before destroying everything.
   People preach to me all the time. People that probably spent their Sunday morning's in church. I spent my Sunday trying to enjoy the earth that god gave to us, but it was hard. You can't scare me with visions of a fiery afterlife. I believe we are creating a poisonous, fiery hell right here on earth with our sins. We will create hell out of paradise, and several generations down the line there will be no enjoyment of life at all...
   So what can I do? I myself, can only change my own behavior and try to help other people see what we are creating. I know that one trip down the river opened my eyes to a lot of things and forever changed me....

My steed licks the blood from my steel

I don't know if it's like this for all writers, but it's like taking a shit to me. It just has to come out or it will build up toxic in my guts. I've been wanting to spew diarrhea with my keyboard, but I've been speeding down the highway and too busy to hit a rest stop. Besides, the last time I hit a rest stop to take a shit I was listening to my headphones and tapping my feet along with the music and next thing i know a big homosexual trucker/ bear guy bursts in and starts sucking my cock. After 10 minutes or so I made him stop. it was starting to tickle.

   But really, the last few weeks have been a blur. A couple weeks ago I took a job for a week as a production assistant on the show "Celebrity Apprentice". One of the celebrities on the show is a very well known country singer, who I won't name but if you watch the show, it'll be obvious. If you haven't (I haven't watched it. TV is for fucktards) it has something to do with Donald Trump and famous people competing for a cash donation to go to a charity that they are sponsoring. A crew from the show came through town because the country guy's charity is St. Jude Children's research hospital.
   I picked up the crew at the airport and we went to st Jude to meet country dude. seemed like a nice enough fella. I was vaguely aware of his music. My knowledge of mainstream country stops with Dwight Yoakum. He walked around the hospital and talked with kids and then played a concert for about 50 people or so. Afterwards the crew got on some dude's private jet and flew to Nashville while me and drew Fleming drove the van with the gear.
   Pulling in to Nashville, we stopped at country guy's house to pick up him and the crew. By far the most baller ass house I've ever seen. A $14 million dollar structure made of concrete and steel. pool on the roof. bar in the elevator. Also in the elevator are pictures of him and Johnny cash, him and Merle Haggard, Him and Willie Nelson. Holy shitballs. The room we're hanging out in is actually a small club, with a full bar, stage with badass sound system, mezzanine, huge window looking out at the Nashville skyline.
   We go to this authentic Italian restaurant and drop $1300 on appetizers and drinks. Everybody on the crew is cool as shit. total bro down. Afterwards, we hit several bars. At a bar with karaoke, I slayed some Johnny Cash. wishing country dude would have noticed and given me a record deal. I'm sick of working. I went back early to my baller ass king size bed having hotel room. I had to work in the morning.
   The next day we drove out to the country to film some stuff surrounding country dude's grandma and then we went to his cabin and property. I preferred his cabin to his mansion. I guess I prefer nature to riches. That's where I'd chill all the time if I was a baller like him.
   I'm about to get to the point of my story. We had an amazing time hanging out by his pond....fishing, shooting off his Barret 50 cal sniper rifle, playing guitar. Just country dudes doing country shit. I could have been hanging out with a group of my old friends.We joked and laughed like old friends.
   But apparently, politically this guy is a big conservative. When showing off his gun he talked about "all the troops over there killing the Taliban for our freedom" and other unintelligent redneck shit. It got me thinking a lot about willful ignorance and the duality of human beings.
   Now, this guy is trying to support a great charity. Even if he doesn't win the quarter million for St. Jude he did a world of good raising awareness for them. But really, if he could drop 14 million on a house, how much could he personally drop on St. Jude. just a thought....maybe he has dropped a shitload. I know he wrote a song and 100 percent of the itunes revenue goes to St. Jude. can't hate on him for that. but here was something i was thinking about:
   I noticed a lot of sports team shirts on the kids at St. Jude. Saw a lot from Louisiana and Alabama. Got me thinking about cancer and how the cancer rates in those two states are a lot higher than the national average because of the horrible environmental practices in those states.  Environmental practices that conservatives support, because putting restrictions on corporations is bad. That's big government, telling those poor corporations what to do. Environmentalists are whackos and if they have to be responsible for their waste and output then they will make less money and making money is what's most important. by these people's logic. So, in a sense by being a conservative, country dude is supporting cancer while, at the same time publicly parading around trying to "stop" cancer. Why not hit it at the source, country dude?
   Wanna talk about cancer? How about from the depleted uranium from the armor piercing shells fired by our troops you're so proud of from those guns that your buddy makes. Oh, those are brown skinned people. And not Americans. fuck those assholes. How dare they? Here's a picture of a deformed Arab baby, courtesy of Uncle Sam. Hey, one less towelhead, right?

Enjoy your cabin in the woods on the lake, Mr. Country dude. If your buddies that you support have their way, it'll all be an industrial wasteland...poisonous...reeking. Soon you won't even be able to eat the fish from your own pond. But hey, it's all about making money, right? I mean, you got yours. You got your money, your wife and kid and all your badass cars. The rest of the world can get fucked.

   I thought about how no one is ever a total dick. They may be willfully ignorant, or just uninformed....but usually you can find some common ground with anyone...and  in the right setting, I can even find friendship with a multi millionaire right wing modern country artist. Maybe therein lies hope for the world. As i wrote that last line, Frankie Stubbs came on and told me "never give up hope".

I've deleted a lot of people on Facebook for their openly dumb politics. I don't want to hear about the politics of greed. You guys are winning. Shut the fuck up and silently gloat. Stop acting like a victim. Eventually, everything sacred will be for sale. I wish you really believed in small government. You only want it when it suits you. Because I'd go you one further and say, "how about no government at all?" Just turn it off for a week. Then I could meet you on the field of battle and lop off your heads with my sword. I would do it for the earth. Go ahead, call me a hippy. I'm here to show you that all liberal tree huggers aren't weak pussies. I don't believe in non-violence and I want your blood. You're so soft. You wouldn't last a day without air conditioning and a fried mayonnaise IV drip. I will burst in your house while you're watching Celebrity apprentice and choking down a Mc Rib and remove your head. Neurosis blaring in my headphones. My steed licks the blood from my steel.  I shit on your god because you shit on mine.

I will cause 12 abortions for every right wing fucktard that opens their mouth.

The Planned Parenthood building is right by my house. I pass it everyday. Every time I do I flip off the people standing out front with their signs saying "pray to end abortion". You know, these pussies took the winter off. I guess their beliefs aren't strong enough to get cold over. I actually have to be careful because sometimes there's people that I know and respect out there. I've been trying to mull over why these people make me so angry for the past year, but now that the talk of cutting federal funding for Planned Parenthood has got all of the fucktards vocal, it's clear to me why I hate these people.

   I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that none of those people standing out on the street with a sign ever protested a war. I bet you wouldn't protest anything that actually mattered. I bet none of them gave a fuck when a corporation filled an entire sea with oil. Yep, I bet you pull right up in to BP and fill up your SUV on the way to get your nails did. I bet you are all Wal Mart shopping, McDonald's eating self righteous motherfuckers who want to appear all holy and spiritual over this non issue. Fuck the living, we're all getting fucked in the ass, but you're standing out in the street so everyone can see how holy you are.

Hey, maybe if you put any effort at all into things that affect the living, we'd be cool with having babies. I'm just barely getting by supporting myself, working a shit job that I hate, that will wear me down, that will make me insane. Hey, let me bring a kid in to this situation. I'm sure they'll grow up healthy and well adjusted in this fucked up ghetto town I live in, smack dab in the middle of corporate disgust, polluted ass, war monger U.S.A. Shit, I'd love to have a family but the world is fucking evil, and it's not the pro choicers that are causing it.

The world is overcrowded. Capitalism has caused us to live so far removed from nature that we have a disgusting glut of humanity. I think that people who choose not to have children until their ready should get a fucking medal. They actually are making a sacrifice. I bet it sucks to have an abortion. If it didn't fuck with you, you'd be a cold blooded motherfucker. The problem lies in our cultures fear of death. Our culture acts like death is the absolute worst thing possible. it's not. Having a quality death beats having a life with no quality. And guess what, I don't believe in your fairy tale god. You can "pray to end abortion" all you want. I pray that I'll win the lottery and you'll all grow dicks out of your forehead but neither is going to happen. Your god is not balancing the budget. So we have to get pro active.

Hey, guess what? The majority of what planned parenthood does is offer contraception, STD screenings and treatment, cancer screenings and other women's health shit. No one wants to be giving out abortions all willy nilly and no one wants to be getting them. They're trying to help people not get pregnant in the first place you shitheaps! You want to do something constructive? Go to Sams' and by one of those 100 pack of rubbers and give them free to high school kids. What about federal funding for free condom dispensers in all high school bathrooms? what about all bathrooms? How about paying for birth control for anyone who wants it instead of the 3 wars we're in and space exploration? How about taxing all the big dumbfuck corporations that are ass raping all of us and make them pay for some shit.

How about federally funding a time machine so I can go back in time and fuck all your mothers and then coerce them into aborting you with my golden tongue. Then the world would be a better place. I dare you to say some shit.

Batshit, Fatty and the Brandenburg Concerto

For anyone that doesn't know, here's a story that happened to me last summer and the follow up....

I was lonely. Don't judge me. I started seeing a girl i used to date several years prior (something I like to refer to as "sweatin' to the oldies"). I knew she was batshit, so we'll just call her Batshit. But sometimes loneliness will make you question your instincts. Maybe she was batshit back then but she's OK now...or maybe I'm different now, I don't know. Anyways this girl tells me she's been divorced for a year. We have a date night and i spend the night at her apartment. 

   I am awaken to her phone ringing. She tells me it's her ex trying to call. I blow it off and go back to sleep. Next thing I know I'm awaken again by a pounding at the door. "What the fuck is that?" I say. "It's my ex husband. He's drunk. He'll go away". Let me now add that I'm I'm not wearing a stitch of clothing. My instincts are screaming at me to go get my clothes, but they are right by the door that he's pounding on....french doors with little glass panes. The guy has actually climbed up on the porch and is beating at those doors. If I get up to get my clothes he will see/ hear me. I ignore my instincts and hope that he'll go away. He keeps pounding and I can hear him pressing on the door. I get up to look for a weapon when i hear the glass on the door break. I wrap a sheet around myself and go into the next room just as he's pushing the door open. "Hey motherfucker! Back da fuck up!" I say, all Onyx an shit. Then this fat ass motherfucker (who I will now refer to as "Fat Ass") says: "Who the fuck are you? You don't even know who the fuck I am!" and he runs at me, grabbing my throat (that's supposed to be my signature move) and starts yamming his fists away at my head. Now, I was not prepared for a fight. My first instinct was to protect Herman the one eyed German and the boys, so i drop my hands to cover the boys and just keep my head down. He's hitting the top of my head. I see stars for a moment. I yelled "call 9-1-1!" as he pushes my naked ass into a window, breaking it. But Jesus had cast a spell of protection on my beautiful buttucks and they remained unscathed. My feet did get cut up on the broken glass. Batshit is on the bed with the cops on the line and Fatass stops and runs over to her. He extends his hand to her and says "It's cool, shake my hand. It's cool, shake my hand" Then he runs out the door. 20 minutes later the cops show up and I have blood pouring out of my head. It's now light outside and the ambulance shows up but i refuse stitches. I gave my statement and went home.

   Now, I started to suspect something fishy when Batshit wouldn't go downtown to give a statement to the domestic abuse cops. By the way, the sergeant down there said if I had had a gun I would've been in my legal right to shoot him. But Batshit never called and asked how I was or anything. She won't respond to my inquiries as to why she won't press charges.

Months later I send her an email:

so, hows your life? I'm sure you don't care, but i'm pretty pissed at you about all that shit. Not only did you show no concern that i got fired on for being at your house, but i'm sure you never pressed charges. Is it because you're afraid of him or was there something you didn't want me or the court to know? all in all, i didn't deserve that and if only a few factors had been different, he or I could have gotten killed.
It doesn't matter anymore so you may as well be honest. I'm just curious. were y'all still fucking or were you still getting money from him? I just took it as a sign that i shouldn't be hanging out with you. Honestly, i don't hold much ill will toward him. I know you never liked him or respected him when you married him. You used him for god knows what. It probably fucked with his head.
i guess the cops never picked him up. if not, he still has a warrant that he will have to face sooner or later and then you'll get called into court as well and something will come out in the wash.

To which she replied:

he and i dated on and off constantly. we had broken up about a week before you and i hung out that night. i never recieved money from him.. i honestly did not expect anything that happened that night to occur. i hate that it happened, i do feel like it was my fault. i am glad that it didnt escalate to more than it was and that neither of you were seriously hurt. i learned a lot that night, i cannot change what happened, and i know i could never apologize enough. i want nothing more than to move on and move past this. if it ends up in court, then hopefully that will be the last of it. i wish you well in life and im sorry.

Anyways, last week I received a court summons. It all went something like this.

My summons was for 9am so I got there 15 minutes early. yes, i am annoyingly punctual. I sat in the fucking courtroom for 3 and a half hours and Fatass and his lawyer hadn't even shown up. I wasn't mad about it anymore before today, but now I want the death penalty. I'm having to listen to all these mudane court hearings about prostitutuion near a church or school and the results of the HIV test will determine the severity of the charge. The only thing that saved me from the most boring day ever was 1. The prosecuting attorney that was dealing with my case was fine as shit, but 2. this other girl working in the court was one of the finest women I have ever seen walking around with my eyeballs. I'm not talking slutty, thinking dirty thoughts hot, I'm talking so fine I could look at your face the rest of my life hot. Huge rock on her finger. Just so badass. I was in love.

   By lunchtime Fatass and his lawyer hadn't shown up, so court would reconvene at 2pm. As I was leaving the courtroom who do I see but Fatass and with him is BATSHIT!?! All Big and Fucking pregnant! Now I know what you're thinking because I thought it too, but that ain't my baby. Swab my mouth, Maury. That ain't my baby.

   When court reconvened I had to sit through a bunch more boring ass cases, when right before my case is about to start a whole group of about twelve first year law students come in and sit in the back of the court. All of them cute girls about 18-20! All with their little notepads and glasses and shit. mmm. damn.

   So the trial is underway. Fatass's lawyer is all Matlock and shit and he's all cross examining me and trying to make me out to be a liar! Like it was my fault for being there! Like Fatass was just a concerned husband coming by to check on his estranged wife who won't answer the phone or the door, so he breaks in to see if she's ok and gets attacked by a naked dude and was acting in self defense. Now, I don't know if you've seen my dick, but it may count as a deadly weapon. That was never brought up, though. But still, he's making me nervous like I did something wrong and the whole time the first year law students are looking at my ass and picturing me naked getting pummeled with my dick floppin around. Batshit got called to the stand and proved herself to be a lying trollop. Finally after 8 hours the judge ruled.......(drumroll) GUILTY! He saw right through their bullshit.

   The thing is, I feel bad. I didn't care anymore. I wish Batshit had just called me and said "hey, I'm sorry, but I'm pregnant and I don't want my husband to go to jail". I would've not showed up and the case would've been dropped! Now he's gonna go to jail and she's gonna have that baby without it's daddy. I don't wish that on anyone. But so much of this shit could have been avoided at so many points along the way. I wouldn't have cared if he didn't get convicted because I'm satisfied that both of them will be serving a double life sentence of fat, crazy lameness with a side of crying ass baby.

So what did we learn today?

1. Steer clear of scandalous chicks that write poetry. That's generally a good rule. If they write poetry, run screaming.

2. Always keep your clothes right beside you. OR...

3. Always leave and go home or stay at your house.

4. Always keep a weapon beside you when you sleep.

5. Always go to court showered and dressed your best because you never know when a bunch of law students or the girl of your dreams will be there.

6. Don't underestimate people's ability to forgive. Instead of being stupid, just humble yourself and ask. You may avoid jail time.

  

 I walked out into the beautiful downtown sunshine, breeze blowing off the river, whistling the Brandenburg Concerto and thanked God that I'm free, that i have no babies, that I don't have a psycho batshit pregnant wife, that i'm not going to jail and that my life is pretty drama free. 

Sometimes, the good guys win....

sane

Sure lucky to be alive, man
I guess I shouldn't brag
With death always so close round us
It should be me laying on that slab
But I've got one more day to think about
All the people I did wrong
I hope you know I'm truly sorry and I've paid for what I've done
I know there will still be hard times
And I hope my experience gives me the strength
To help hold you up
Because God knows you've kept me sane

Thoughts on people trying to convert me....

People sometimes try to convert me. Or it's more like they just suggest an answer that they've found. Get me to read bible verses and such. I usually do. I'm open to hear some wisdom. I ususally never get some profound truth out of it. You know, the things you know with the core of your being?...that to believe otherwise would be to not exist? I'd argue that that feeling is a key to the "divine" and not words on a page or some ritual.


   A few weeks ago I was sick and sitting at a stoplight on my way to work. It was cold. I wouldn't have gotten out of bed except I couldn't afford to be sick. As I drove past the ugly urban sprawl I thought about how many banks and churches I was passing and I had a thought:


   You guys won already. Why would anyone try to convert me? 76% of American identify themselves as Christians. That's an overwhelming majority. Did you know that every U.S. president has been a Christian? About 88% of U.S. military are Christians?


Here's my point. Christianity has been the Religion of western Civilization for as long as there has been western civilization. And this is the world you have built. Congratufuckinglations. And this is why I wont convert.


I don't need a book to tell me that, if we are all the same, if we are all made from 1 (god) then nationalism and patriotism are sins. Would your Jesus want you drawing up political lines and fighting over resources?
   I don't need a book to tell me that it is wrong to destroy and pollute the earth so that a few can be rich and the rest of us can be controlled. The earth is beautiful and could provide everything we need as long as we take a good hard look at what we REALLY need, and not just silly shit that we want. Like snuggies and fleshlights. And that we should respect the thing that gives us life and the diversity of it and try to help protect the balance of it all.
   I don't need a book to tell me that we all have the same basic wants, and launching missiles at people and invading and occupying other peoples lands is wrong.


   My spirituality is governed by this knowing that comes from within my soul and I can't misinterpret it and I can't lie about it. I love seeing people that preach to me about how they have all these answers do the exact same shitty things that we all do. The only difference between them and me is that they talked all this shit and acted so self righteous. I only know what I feel is wrong and can only give you my opinion and the proof will be in the pudding in the end. I don't have to scare you with visions of hell, because you will create your own end. This is the world you've created now. Do you love it?


   I think Christianity is just a convenient loophole for people. It allows you to be in a club, but you don't have to do anything different. You can just say you believe it and do whatever you want and be forgiven. I don't have all the answers, but I'm SEEKING and LISTENING and not latching on to the safest and most convenient thing that was sold to me from birth. The world is fucked and you guys are still trying to get us all on your side but your shit is NOT WORKING. It's too vague, up for too much interpretation. How someone can call themselves a Christian and still be in the military blows my fucking mind. I interpret the words as promoting loving thy enemy and shit, but like I said....too many loopholes. I've asked enough questions and sought enough to where I KNOW what kind of world I want to live in. One without countries, borders and flags. One without banks and churches. One where I don't have to go to work sick because I'm so fucking broke. 


So please, leave me be. You won't convert me. You already have so many on your side, you can't possibly say that it's the small minority of non believers holding you back. That would be a sorry excuse. You guys have had control for so long. And I hate the world you've built. You can tell me I'm lost all you want. I went to your churches and I prayed and I prayed and never heard a voice from the sky, never saw proof of a caring deity. I honestly can't see how if Jesus is real how he would let so many people fuck shit up in his name. So, perhaps you guys aren't fucking up at all. Perhaps you're all doing exactly what you're supposed to do. Perhaps I'm in league with the devil. Perhaps in hell, everything will be lush and green, corporations will not rule, food and medicine and education will be free and  nations will not exist. 
   So, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go indulge in heathenism. I'm going to go walk my dog somewhere in the sunshine where it's pretty and not spend any money. Praise hail Satan.

It's easy to swim in the shallow end

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Now, this is not an indictment against them...the reason for a family's dysfunction could be speculated forever....blame could be chased back through generations and unfortunate circumstances like a pit bull chasing his ghost of a tail and never catching it. I love my family and am glad everything happened as it did. I learned all the lessons I needed to learn to get my mind where it is today, so I will take all the bad with the good.
   I guess troubled kids tend to gravitate towards each other because all my friends growing up came from broken homes and fucked up families. I understand now that your family is always supposed to have your back but as a teen it was more important for someone to "get" me. My family never "got" me and probably still doesn't. Perhaps that's a life long process.
   My friends and I adopted each other as our families, and I hold on to most of them today. Because we were all troubled, a lot of them succumbed to their various neurosees and addictions. I've probably lost more friends than a lot of people will have in their lives. My friends have kept me sane throughout the years and I probably would have offed myself long ago if not for them. From an early teen the most important thing in my life has been my friendships. My family may have bore my body, but my friends bore my soul, if you can dig it.
   That being said there is not much I wouldn't do for these people in my life. I'd scoop out my eyeballs with a red hot spoon, rip my heart out of my chest and stomp on it....take bullets...run through walls. But most of all I will be here for you. Swallow my pride when needed...listen, understand....empathize. I hoped that everyone I call friend would understand this about me...that they would consider me invaluable....not disposable.


   But I have to understand that everyone did not grow up like me. Some people grew up with a healthy family. Some people value money. Some people are so insecure about themselves that they get in to a relationship and forget their friends exist. Until that fails and then they need a shoulder to cry on. Some people do not value their friendships like I do. Some people go through friends like they do pairs of shoes. It sucks to know that someone you would bend over backwards for could easily walk away from you...or see you out and pretend you don't exist. It sucks that people will allow a rift to be, instead of getting to the bottom of it.

   I have some of the most difficult friends a person could have. stubborn, neurotic....assholes, if you will. But I love them with everything I've got, and expect no less from them. Sometimes I need to learn who doesn't reciprocate this feeling and finally cut them loose. If you'd rather be petty....If you'd rather use your drama as an excuse to not put any energy in to it then fine. It's easy to swim in the shallow end. Have fun in the pee pee with your water wings on.

false security

When I was 30 I felt this fear steal over me. It had always been there, just gnawing away in my guts...tossing and turning at just the right moments. It was a fear that drove all my decisions in life as an adult. As a kid, it was quieter. I had hope. I believed the universe HAD to give you exactly what you imagined if you believed it hard enough. I had always envisioned what my life would be like at thirty. Married, kids....perfecting the established formula....succeeding where my parents and the families of most people I know had failed.
   I looked around at thirty and saw my friends married, having babies...I thought....wait, that was supposed to be a part of my plan....i must have failed in some way....


   I thought about buying a house, settling down roots and living like an adult. I started paying rent on a 750/month two bedroom with a pool, and workshops and gas fireplace and washer and dryer. I had central heat and air that worked right for the first time in years. I was trying to get my credit straight to purchase it. I was on my way to the American dream.


   I remember being out in the cold, after dark, right before Christmas trying to finish a carpentry job. Miserable. 4 degrees outside. I had a girl waiting on me at home that I was head over heels for. I would come home and make dinner while she studied and we would drink wine and make love in front of the gas fireplace. Yep, all that lame shit.
   But the stress of worrying about bills pushed me down like a boot on my chest. Things began to break and wear out on the house and my time, energy and money to fix them could not keep up with how fast they broke. 
My truck broke down, my cat died and I began to notice my girlfriends's insanity. I resented my job and my own insanity began to obscure my vision. I was enveloped in a dark cloud of doubt, stress and worry. The serpent of anxiety sat coiled on my sternum and feasted in my chest.


I had to do something before I lost my mind. I bailed on the house and moved back in to the tiny back house I had lived in years ago. I had to downsize all my possessions to do this. I took only what could fit in a small bedroom, kitchen and bathroom.
Soon after, the woman proved herself to be absolutely insane. the most poisonous person I had ever met in my life.


It didn't take long for all the foundation of security I had been trying to build around myself to crumble. I decided to relish in it. I got hungry again. All I had to count on was all the dreams I had when I was a kid before the fear set in. I plunged myself into self improvement. I finished a script I'd been working on for damn near 10 years. I started working out more, My lovers became hope and accomplishment. Acting out of desire instead of fear, I began to build myself up again.


I realized that no hoops we jump through can protect us from the inevitable. We are all going to be alone and sick and die at some point. No amount of comfort, tangible or intangible can cushion us from our impending loss. and we all go out the same way, empty handed and alone. 
The only thing i feel i will be able to take with me is that sense of accomplishment. That i didn't waste my time pinching pennies, that I let it all ride for something ultimate.


   I'm not saying that the fear never comes around. How will I make rent tomorrow? How will I take care of my parents when I'm older, and will I always be alone?
But I'm chasing a fulfillment that I think cannot be taken away. My soul knows which way to go and rebels at every wrong turn. I would love to know there's a guiding force whispering to it, directing me to a greater purpose....but I can't count on it. I've never heard your God in the ceiling and have stopped listening. There's a different feeling in my chest. It's more of a pull now than a push.My religious friends will tell me that it is god guiding me, but I've learned to not have faith. Just hope for the best and expect the worst. But understand your purpose. The thing that you were made for. For me, it's the things that make the doubts and fear go away. I wish I believed there was something to catch us when we make a leap of faith....some kind of wind to throw caution to.....but like that song says..."if I die tryin now, I wont die wonderin how life would've turned out".

It doesn't scare me to believe in nothing. Everything in life there is to have faith in has failed me at this point....Family, nation, religion, relationships....I find a comfort in the instability of it all. the only thing you can count on is that you can't count on any of it. It is fluid and you have to be fluid with it. 


Security is an illusion. Definitely in this life....so why not the idea of security in the afterlife as well? All the fairy tales were lies....but that's a good thing. If we throw them all out then we wont have this thing we're trying to live up to and failing.

Well, enough drunken 4am writing. good night.