Another serious one: A prophetic dream about the end of the world?

   This one may be scary. I've been talking about mystical experiences and dreams that have been happening to me lately. Here's one:


   I know that usually when people describe their dreams it's about as interesting as when people show you their old family vacation videos. My brain usually tunes it out when other people describe their dreams. "And then, the monkey turned in to my Great aunt Florence and folded up a paper airplane and flew over the lava pit...." You get the idea. I tunes other people's dreams out because it's usually nonsensical. Please try and pay attention.

  Years ago I dreamt of a building. The building was a dome that looked as if it was made of horizontal wooden slats. There was a light shining from inside, so I climbed the side of the dome to the top and looked down inside. What i saw was a churning sea of bloody, gory dead bodies. It looked like a million people in a sea of filth and death. I can do no justice to the immensity of the carnage that I looked down upon. It kinda reminded me of that REM video where he's lying on his back crowdsurfing except everyone is dead and there's no Michael Stipe. I climbed off the building and blood started rushing out of the dome, coming up to my chest and threatening to drown me, but as it got to a certain level, the blood subsided.

Years Later, I saw a news story, along with a picture of the building in my dream. The building was at CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research in Geneva and the story was on their Hadron Collider and people's fears about the outcome. The Large Hadron Collider is a particle accelerator used by physicists to study the smallest known particles – the fundamental building blocks of all things. 

   Two beams of subatomic particles called 'hadrons' – either protons or lead ions – will travel in opposite directions inside the circular accelerator, gaining energy with every lap. Physicists will use the LHC to recreate the conditions just after the Big Bang, by colliding the two beams head-on at very high energy.

The experiments at the Large Hadron Collider sparked fears among the public that the particle collisions might produce DOOMSDAY PHENOMENA, involving the production of stable BLACK HOLES or the creation of hypothetical particles called strangelets.

If the strange matter hypothesis is correct and a strangelet comes in contact with a lump of ordinary matter such as Earth, it could convert the ordinary matter to strange matter. This "ice-nine"-like disaster scenario is as follows: one strangelet hits a nucleus, catalyzing its immediate conversion to strange matter. This liberates energy, producing a larger, more stable strangelet, which in turn hits another nucleus, catalyzing its conversion to strange matter. In the end, all the nuclei of all the atoms of Earth are converted, and Earth is reduced to a hot, large lump of strange matter.

I hear that the CERN experiment is mentioned in the book and movie Angels and Demons, but I've never read the book or seen the movie. I had this dream AT LEAST 12 years ago! Somewhere I even drew a picture of what I saw after I woke up. 

So what does it mean? I don't know. All I know is that I dreamt a building I had never seen at it was associated with mass death. Now, technically the Hadron Collider is not ACTUALLY in the building that I dreamt, but whatever. It may mean nothing....or it may mean that I'm the new Nostradamus and you need to give me money to fund my movie before the world ends. I also accept HJs', BJs', APJs', NJs' and ZJ's.

Demons, Schizophrenia, Relationships, Jammin on the 1 and kickball with Jesus

I'm using this thing to chronicle some weird events that have happened to me. Hopefully by writing them they can make more sense, and it's also fun to do research online about them. This is one I don't tell a lot of people. it sounds stupid and crazy, I know...but here goes....

   I sub-leased a warehouse apartment in the summer of '01. I use the term “apartment” loosely. It was really just a 5, 000 sq. foot warehouse where half of it was plastic ed off and fully furnished. The other half was open space, concrete walls and damp darkness. I had answered an ad on the bulletin board at Otherlands, A girl was going to be traveling for two months and needed help to off set her rent while she was gone. I was in a desperate situation, for I was on the outs with my long term girlfriend and had been alternating between sleeping in the basement of the restaurant I worked at and sleeping on the floor at our recording studio. The short term arrangement was perfect for me because I would be leaving for Europe tour in two months anyway. It seemed to be one of those perfect synchronicities: “fate”, if you will.
   I can't recall how long I spent there, just me and my dog and cat before the “incident” happened. I had enjoyed my stay there up until this point, riding my bike around in the warehouse and then outside through the downtown summer streets and going to shows at the Tree of Woe or the People's Temple and then walking back home.

     I was sleeping one night when I was suddenly awaken by the feeling of a presence in the room with me. I actually felt a pressure on my chest. I opened my eyes to the sight of a giant serpent, stretching in to the room from the pitch black warehouse part of the apartment. Its long body was straight, parallel to my body, hovering only a foot above me. Right above my crotch the creature arched up to the high ceiling and then back down to where it's face was only inches from my face. The serpent had a hood like a cobra. It's eyes were pools of fire and fire spilled from it's mouth as well. The thing whispered and shouted at the same time in a voice that sounded like 1000 different voices layered on top of one another but slightly off time from each other. The serpent told me I was weak. It told me that I would die old and alone and that I needed to run back to the comfort of my failed relationship. It told me I would die loveless...and then in an instant...it was gone. I looked over at the clock and it was 3am, dead nuts. I got out of bed, shaking and sweating, got on my bike and rode around downtown until dawn...too afraid to go back to the warehouse.

   Every night that I stayed there afterwards I woke up at EXACTLY 3AM, and with the feeling of that presence. Not long after that the army of fleas moved in off the alleyway. My animals were treated so the fleas just fed on me. I would walk in and feel a thousand tiny pin pricks all at once as they jumped on me and sucked my blood. Apparently, a flea still drinks the blood of those that wouldn't harm a flea. I didn't stay at that apartment for much longer after that. I opted for staying in the spare bedroom at my mom's which was a fate only slightly less scary than a demon. I've always used the term “demon” to describe what I saw, although I describe it to few people because it sounds foolish. It sounds like a dream, but I remember being awake...I remember details about the thing as vividly as I remember that one Cosby show episode where Stevie Wonder came to visit (Jammin' on the One).

I had had some experience dealing with a schizophrenic before who said he saw demons. My friend Wesley Willis had two demons that shouted at him in his head: “Nervewrecker” and “Heartbreaker”. We gave up ever trying to tell Wes that there were no demons, it seemed so real to him that I had to wonder...what if they were real? What is the nature of a demon? Wes's demons shouted his fears at him, told him things like that he was going to go to jail, that he was going to be a bum on the street  or that he wouldn't be able to play rock music anymore. The thing I saw shouted something at me which was apparently a fear of mine at the time. The difference is, I had never had a schizophrenic episode before, had never seen anything like that before or since. I was not under the influence of hallucinogens. I may have been drunk when I went to bed, but was certainly not when I awoke.

   If it was a demon, why would it use something so trivial as my fears about love to scare me? Wouldn't the presence of a demon alone be able to provoke in me fears of eternal damnation and demonic forces? Wouldn't the fear of a monster be greater than the fear of lonliness? Someone told me recently that my sexuality and my spirituality are closely intwined. That same person also asked me: “Would you die for someone you loved?” “Yes”, I said. “And can you imagine a life not worth living?” “Yes”, I said again. “Well then, you value love more than life”. Could I call it a waking vision when I've never had one similar to it? I've even asked a few people whether they thought the place was haunted, but I don't think anyone else ever had a supernatural experience there.

   I used to call those things inside of me that were my biggest faults my demons. Everyone has them. I used to call my restless spirit my Demon of Discontent. I thought of it as a great obstacle I had to overcome, but age taught me that it was really a good thing. It pushed me to strive for more...to achieve ultimate. I thought at one point that I had a demon of lust. Turns out I'm just a healthy, horny male.

I've rarely told this story because it sounds crazy, but recently I've been doing research on demons online. This appears to be a somewhat common experience. I found discussion forums where people talk about being visited by entities and "serpent demons". I even found this:

"The Black Serpent (Kaala Naag) is the third in the hierarchy of ghosts in ascending order as per their spiritual strength. T About 10% of the world’s population is affected or possessed by them in the present times."


So what do I make of all this? I don't know. nothing. I'm probably just insane. I'm still a skeptic and an agnostic. I have never heard a peep out of Jesus. You're gonna have to step it up Jesus if you want me on your kick ball team because the demons are gunning for me. And no one likes being picked last.

Beatus taurus immolatus est, vivet in ætérnum flammis

   I would be a complete atheist if not for a series of mystical experiences throughout my life. I often have prophetic dreams...not always of events to come but of places I've never been and symbols. This is one of those that I've been thinking about lately and have researched a little bit.

   Over 10 years ago I had a dream about the Poplar Lounge, a bar that I had passed a million times, but it always seemed to have an older crowd and I never went in. I dreamt the outdoor courtyard area, in detail, with the white wall of the neighboring building running along the east side. In the dream I found a carving and inscription on this wall. It was quite my surprise years later when I first came to the Lounge and found the courtyard to look the same as my dream, minus the carving of course.

   The carving itself consisted of a man driving a sword down into a bull. The man had light shining from his head and the inscription beneath the carving read: "Blessed is the Bull who is sacrificed for he shall live forever in flame". Years later, while getting a tattoo I was reading a book on Mythology. I saw a picture of the ancient god Mithras, usually shown driving a sword into a bull. Now, I never took a Mythology class and there is a chance that at some point in my life I had seen a picture of Mithras, but my conscious mind does not remember it. Here's some things I leaned about Mithras:

Worship of this god began some 4000 years ago in Persia, where it was soon imbedded with Babylonian doctrines. The faith spread east through India to China, and reached west throughout the entire length of the Roman frontier; from Scotland to the Sahara Desert, and from Spain to the Black Sea. Sites of Mithraic worship have been found in Britain, Italy, Romania, Germany, Hungary, Bulgaria, Turkey, Persia, Armenia, Syria, Israel, and North Africa.



The faithful referred to Mithras (REMEMBER, 4000 years ago!) as "the Light of the World", symbol of truth, justice, and loyalty. He was mediator between heaven and earth and was a member of a Holy Trinity. According to Persian mythology, Mithras was born of a virgin given the title 'Mother of God'. The god remained celibate throughout his life, and valued self-control, renunciation and resistance to sensuality among his worshippers. Mithras represented a system of ethics in which brotherhood was encouraged in order to unify against the forces of evil.
The worshippers of Mithras held strong beliefs in a celestial heaven and an infernal hell. They believed that the benevolent powers of the god would sympathize with their suffering and grant them the final justice of immortality and eternal salvation in the world to come. They looked forward to a final day of judgement in which the dead would resurrect, and to a final conflict that would destroy the existing order of all things to bring about the triumph of light over darkness.
Purification through a ritualistic baptism was required of the faithful, who also took part in a ceremony in which they drank wine and ate bread to symbolize the body and blood of the god. Sundays were held sacred, and the birth of the god was celebrated annually on December the 25th. After the earthly mission of this god had been accomplished, he took part in a Last Supper with his companions before ascending to heaven, to forever protect the faithful from above.


Mithra was born from a rock, as shown in Mithraic sculptures, being sometimes termed ''the god out of the rock'. It's interesting that the image in my dream was carved into the wall.


The chief incident of Mithra's life was his struggle with a symbolical bull, which he overpowered and sacrificed, and from the blood of the sacrifice came the world's peace and plenty, typified by ears of corn. The bull appears to signify the earth or mankind, and the implication is that Mithra, like Jesus, overcame the world; but in the early Persian writings Mithra is himself the bull, the god thus sacrificing himself, which is a close approximation to the Christian idea.


   All that sound familiar? 
Now, I have never heard a voice from god like in the bible. I have never seen a lick of proof of the existence of the Christian god. Yet, I have this crazy dream about this god that has too many connections to jesus to just be coincidental. If I was a fanatic, I would take this as a sign and become a follower of mithras. Instead I can only ponder and find it interesting. I still haven't been able to find anything about the inscription, but i think it speaks for itself. I always thought the basic ideas of christianity were cool (although spiritually elementary), it was just the details that I couldn't get behind. You know, the miracles, rising from the dead, jesus being the only way to salvation, bla bla bla. 
   And why the Poplar Lounge? I now live a block away from there and spend a good amount of time there.


thoughts?

the rumor mill, stinky perfume and "people be fuckin"

I love Memphis. today i had people call me and report shit talking that they've heard about me. Since I care so much about what you think of me, I would like for you to set me straight and point me in the right direction, please.
    First I heard someone called me a slut. I don't call people sluts. We're all adults and adults sometimes fuck each other. Hopefully you're having grown up responsible sex because there's alot of people out there trying to give their diseases away to you. I think what's important is the reasons why you fuck. I think most people fuck for their self esteem. It makes them feel wanted and attractive. Not me. I realized a long time ago that sex is easy. Anyone can get laid at any time. If you have one ounce of self confidence you could walk in to a bar right now and find someone who will fuck you. Once you realize this fact, you can become more selective about who you fuck. Most people are out there desperately trying to validate themselves. Wow, you got laid. You did something that every living creature has done since the beginning of time. Now you can walk with your chin up and stop crying over your Hagen- Das for at least 3 days until the buzz wears off.
   I like fucking as much as the next person, but I do not fuck everyone who would let me because: A) The world is rife with shit like Herpes and Babies, which are coincidentally, my TWO BIGGEST FEARS ON THE GODDAMN PLANET. and B) people are too fucking clingy. It's that insecurity/ desperation thing again. People do not feel valid unless they are in a relationship. A wise man, Luke Hall once said "Desperation is a stinky perfume". You think if no one likes you then you will turn in to a pumpkin, so you try to suck the soul out of anyone who gave you attention once. C) I realize that often times people will make better friends than fuck buddies and I'd rather be friends with them forever than fuck them and then it turn awkward. I've got a ton a friends that are girls, some of which are smokin hot that I have no interest in fucking because of the aforementioned reason.
   So why am I a slut again? What fucking grade are you in?

   Now to address the second round of shit talk where I'm an asshole. I found out that several people feel this way about me because I went on a date or two with them AND DID NOT FUCK THEM OR TRY TO FUCK THEM. I'm sorry I didn't ask you on a second date. Maybe I smelled that desperation on you. If I did fuck you would you be saying I was a slut? Maybe i sensed you'd be so petty and shallow to talk shit about me because I have a life and my world didn't stop for you. I'm sorry i didn't make you feel special. I'm sorry i don't want to stand around Black Lodge with you for an hour having this conversation: "What about this one?". "Oh, I've seen that". "What about this one?" "I've seen that one too". I'm sorry i don't want to lay on the couch eating Ben and Jerry's with you. "You want Chunky Monkey? We had that last time. I want Moose Tracks".  I'm sorry I don't want to meet your parents and go to awkward family thanksgivings with you. I'm fucking busy. I'm trying to make something of myself. Get out of my fucking face and get a hobby.

   A well meaning friend recently said they would like to see me find a nice girl and settle down. This is not my primary focus in life right now. I spent 12 years in all of my adult life in committed relationships. I learned alot from them and respect those people and don't regret any of it. But I'm 33 now and everyday I have to get up and go labor just to make rent. I don't get to get up everyday and do exactly what i want to do. THAT is my primary focus in my life right now. Being the ultimate person that I always dreamed of being. If i meet someone along the way that perfectly compliments me then great, but I think you really find those things when you aren't looking for them. I don't believe in the soul mate anymore. I think you can have beautiful experiences with people and you don't have to pledge your life to them. Plus, the last person I seriously dated turned out to be a pathological liar and a psychopath, so maybe that has something to do with it.

Look at all the divorces going on. I think that people look at everyone they date and think :"maybe it's you". We've been sold too many fairy tales and we try to measure everyone up to this ideal mate in their head. Everyone will fall short of your ideal. Do you think I'm jaded? I think I'm realistic and healthy in my attitudes towards sex and relationships. I'm trying to complete myself instead of looking for someone to complete me. I understand that nothing lasts forever and am not afraid to let go anymore. I would never try and cling to someone ever again out of fear. I'm too old to date someone for a year or two and then go through another fucking breakup. Plus, being single is rad. I do what I want when I want. I don't have to check in with anyone, listen to anyones problems or feelings or entertain anyone. I don't need it. All I need is me and my dog, so fuck all o' yall.

   I guess you can't please everyone. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. One person's slut is the next person's asshole. My question is: why do you care? Who the fuck am I? Why am I even on your fucking radar? I'm just an overly opinionated asshole trying to have a meaningful life. From now on my name should taste like shit in your mouth. Over and out.

Anxiety, Exhaustion and making enemies in the film business

It comes in waves in my life, and so far this year it hasn't been around at all, but now it's back. I have this thick, dull thrum in my chest...like a ball of sickness perched on my sternum. I've been dreading waking up, and had little energy throughout the day. It's always been inexplicable. I can make a list of all the things going good in my life that I am thankful for, and still this anxiety sucks the life force from me. Perhaps it's chemical, but i don't believe in prescription drugs, except for recreational purposes that is....

Perhaps I'm just exhausted. I feel like I've been climbing uphill to achieve my goals my entire life, and yet still I can't escape the drudgery of working a job i hate just to stay afloat. I keep gambling and leaving my options open for when I can finally devote all my time and energy to doing the things that I love....but it's a far fetched dream. Maybe I just need a break from everything. I'd love to leave town for at least a month and not think about movies or music, or maybe just think about one thing instead of twenty.

In the last five years I have worked on about 30 films. I co wrote, produced, directed and starred in a movie that is lost in limbo and I've given up hope that anyone will ever see it. I have written another feature and shot a promo scene from it and am about to enter into the fundraising stage of that film. I feel as if I have cut my teeth. I feel like I have an understanding of how it all works. Many of the films I acted in are no longer on my resume. I've been in many that I am not proud of....wasted hours of time, working as hard as I can for people who's visions sometimes were not strong, people who did not have a sense of perfectionism or tenacity. Sometimes people are in the film world for the wrong reasons...maybe they just want to be famous, maybe they think it's easy. If making films was easy, then everyone would be doing it. But then there are people who I have loved to work for and that produced great films...I am not talking about them. They know who they are...
Lately I've been much more cautious about projects I enter in to...I just feel that I have suffered enough, and I work hard enough that I can be more choosy. A startup actor or filmmaker should get involved in any and every film they can. Even the bad ones were great learning experiences. I've upset some people by withdrawing from films... before anything was shot, of course....I would never walk off a production in motion.

Sometimes I think I have the wrong attitude for the film business. I got in to punk rock at an early age because I am strong minded and opinionated and I have to say what i mean honestly and I refuse to kiss people's asses. In the film world, no one is honest. Everyone is so congratulatory when someone just makes a film. They all pat the person on the back, regardless of whether it was good or not. How can we improve on our art if no one is honest with us? How can we up the bar if everyone is buttering everyone up in hope that someday they will be the next Craig Brewer and put them in their film? Let's have some frank, open and brutally honest discussion of all of our work and strive to be better. What have we got to lose? Maybe you'll grow some thicker skin. Y'u'll need it in life and especially in this business. Rejection is the name of the game.

Note to actors and filmmaker's: People want to go on and on about their connections in Hollywood. Don't listen to them. Keep doing what you do as well and as honestly as you can. If I had a nickel for every person that promised me something I would be rich. People in this business will want to make you feel as if you need them to get where you are going. You can knock on the same doors they can.

Alot of my anxiety may stem from seeing dishonesty all around me. I bust my ass everyday to make something honest, and then there are people who make shit and call it art and are lauded for it. Some of them cheat for it. I've played music most of my life and never earned a dime while watching people make the hip flavor of the month get record deals and go on big tours. I've spent year honing scripts while people film drivel and win awards. All I've got is honesty and integrity, but that doesn't pay the bills. Here I am, still in my work clothes, covered in filth, trying to figure out how to squeeze more energy out of myself to struggle uphill. I'm just fighting for the ball and if I ever get a hold of it it will run with it like you've never seen....