It comes in waves in my life, and so far this year it hasn't been around at all, but now it's back. I have this thick, dull thrum in my chest...like a ball of sickness perched on my sternum. I've been dreading waking up, and had little energy throughout the day. It's always been inexplicable. I can make a list of all the things going good in my life that I am thankful for, and still this anxiety sucks the life force from me. Perhaps it's chemical, but i don't believe in prescription drugs, except for recreational purposes that is....
Perhaps I'm just exhausted. I feel like I've been climbing uphill to achieve my goals my entire life, and yet still I can't escape the drudgery of working a job i hate just to stay afloat. I keep gambling and leaving my options open for when I can finally devote all my time and energy to doing the things that I love....but it's a far fetched dream. Maybe I just need a break from everything. I'd love to leave town for at least a month and not think about movies or music, or maybe just think about one thing instead of twenty.
In the last five years I have worked on about 30 films. I co wrote, produced, directed and starred in a movie that is lost in limbo and I've given up hope that anyone will ever see it. I have written another feature and shot a promo scene from it and am about to enter into the fundraising stage of that film. I feel as if I have cut my teeth. I feel like I have an understanding of how it all works. Many of the films I acted in are no longer on my resume. I've been in many that I am not proud of....wasted hours of time, working as hard as I can for people who's visions sometimes were not strong, people who did not have a sense of perfectionism or tenacity. Sometimes people are in the film world for the wrong reasons...maybe they just want to be famous, maybe they think it's easy. If making films was easy, then everyone would be doing it. But then there are people who I have loved to work for and that produced great films...I am not talking about them. They know who they are...
Lately I've been much more cautious about projects I enter in to...I just feel that I have suffered enough, and I work hard enough that I can be more choosy. A startup actor or filmmaker should get involved in any and every film they can. Even the bad ones were great learning experiences. I've upset some people by withdrawing from films... before anything was shot, of course....I would never walk off a production in motion.
Sometimes I think I have the wrong attitude for the film business. I got in to punk rock at an early age because I am strong minded and opinionated and I have to say what i mean honestly and I refuse to kiss people's asses. In the film world, no one is honest. Everyone is so congratulatory when someone just makes a film. They all pat the person on the back, regardless of whether it was good or not. How can we improve on our art if no one is honest with us? How can we up the bar if everyone is buttering everyone up in hope that someday they will be the next Craig Brewer and put them in their film? Let's have some frank, open and brutally honest discussion of all of our work and strive to be better. What have we got to lose? Maybe you'll grow some thicker skin. Y'u'll need it in life and especially in this business. Rejection is the name of the game.
Note to actors and filmmaker's: People want to go on and on about their connections in Hollywood. Don't listen to them. Keep doing what you do as well and as honestly as you can. If I had a nickel for every person that promised me something I would be rich. People in this business will want to make you feel as if you need them to get where you are going. You can knock on the same doors they can.
Alot of my anxiety may stem from seeing dishonesty all around me. I bust my ass everyday to make something honest, and then there are people who make shit and call it art and are lauded for it. Some of them cheat for it. I've played music most of my life and never earned a dime while watching people make the hip flavor of the month get record deals and go on big tours. I've spent year honing scripts while people film drivel and win awards. All I've got is honesty and integrity, but that doesn't pay the bills. Here I am, still in my work clothes, covered in filth, trying to figure out how to squeeze more energy out of myself to struggle uphill. I'm just fighting for the ball and if I ever get a hold of it it will run with it like you've never seen....
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Vanilla Ice, Michael Bay and Kentucker Audley
Well, the film Open Five by Kentucker Audley won a bunch of awards at Indie Memphis this year. His previous film, Team Picture won a bunch of awards too. I'm tired of wondering why. I think I've made peace with it. At an early age my brother taught me about the dangers of conformity. He said "People think stuff is cool just because everyone else likes it. They don't know why". I started to notice this immediately. In sixth grade everyone suddenly liked Vanilla Ice. I knew it was bullshit. I told them all. They insisted that Vanilla Ice was the coolest shit ever. I said "two months from now, you will be embarassed that you ever liked that shit". I don't know if it took two months or not, but nowadays we all see Vanilla Ice for what it was.
Fashionable people always bugged me. In junior high they wore tie dyed shirts and listened to Grateful Dead. In ninth grade you had blue hair and liked Nirvana. In 11th grade you wore puffy clothes and went to raves. Now you're a hipster and like Goner records shit. I guess I don't let it bother me anymore. I used to wonder why and now I think I know.
Maybe it's bad politics to trash some local guy's art, but I'm going to be honest about why I don't like it. I haven't even been able to make it through the first 15 minutes of Open Five. Here's what I think: i think by putting himself in his movies he's trying to glorify himself and his lifestyle. His movies are filled with boring, awkward people and it never even explains why they are awkward. There are always long, uncomfortable silences where someone stares at the ground for a while. In Team Picture there was no conflict, no resolution, no motivation and no insight into the "characters". I think I understand why other people like it and I don't.
I like to make the joke that all my friends are assholes. I say "If it weren't for assholes, I wouldn't have any friends at all". The truth is, that I am attracted to strong personalities. Vibrant, opinionated and adventurous people. So much so that I've written a film about our lives growing up, and if I can ever raise the money to make it, I will show you a slice of real life that is not boring or mundane. We did shit. Crazy shit. Alot of us died, or got too fucked up but we were FIERY people. People with PASSIONS and yearnings and dreams. I think that the majority of the world is boring. Most people watch tv. Most people sit on their asses on the couch. I can't relate to those people. I can't relate to people with no dreams or ambitions or opinions. That's why Kentucker's movies bore me to tears. I'm smart. I've got way too much going on in my head for them.I once said that his movies have all the substance of a Michael Bay movie without the car flipping.
I've never officially met Kentucker. I saw him at a Q and A once and someone asked him "What is your inspiration when you write?" To which he pretentiously answered "I gave up writing a long time ago". Yes, we can tell. I would actually like to meet him one day. I would congratulate him on his success. You see, although I have a strong opinion about it it doesn't make me mad anymore. It just lights a fire under me to make good films. I've played in a band for 12 years that never had any success, yet we've seen the rise and fall of so many flavors of the month. The point is to always be real and honest, and that's what I strive to do. I have to say that I was inspired by his film, but probably in the opposite way that he would want.
A movie that inspired me in a good way, that I had not seen until this weekend was Craig Brewer's Poor and Hungry. He told a smart, beautiful story with characters and emotions. You knew what motivated them, grew to like them and felt the required emotions at their successes or failures. It was just good writing and good actors and he pulled off a huge film with no money. He's also genuine and unpretentious as a person.
Both of these films inspired me to get back to the writing desk. Let's see what happens.
Fashionable people always bugged me. In junior high they wore tie dyed shirts and listened to Grateful Dead. In ninth grade you had blue hair and liked Nirvana. In 11th grade you wore puffy clothes and went to raves. Now you're a hipster and like Goner records shit. I guess I don't let it bother me anymore. I used to wonder why and now I think I know.
Maybe it's bad politics to trash some local guy's art, but I'm going to be honest about why I don't like it. I haven't even been able to make it through the first 15 minutes of Open Five. Here's what I think: i think by putting himself in his movies he's trying to glorify himself and his lifestyle. His movies are filled with boring, awkward people and it never even explains why they are awkward. There are always long, uncomfortable silences where someone stares at the ground for a while. In Team Picture there was no conflict, no resolution, no motivation and no insight into the "characters". I think I understand why other people like it and I don't.
I like to make the joke that all my friends are assholes. I say "If it weren't for assholes, I wouldn't have any friends at all". The truth is, that I am attracted to strong personalities. Vibrant, opinionated and adventurous people. So much so that I've written a film about our lives growing up, and if I can ever raise the money to make it, I will show you a slice of real life that is not boring or mundane. We did shit. Crazy shit. Alot of us died, or got too fucked up but we were FIERY people. People with PASSIONS and yearnings and dreams. I think that the majority of the world is boring. Most people watch tv. Most people sit on their asses on the couch. I can't relate to those people. I can't relate to people with no dreams or ambitions or opinions. That's why Kentucker's movies bore me to tears. I'm smart. I've got way too much going on in my head for them.I once said that his movies have all the substance of a Michael Bay movie without the car flipping.
I've never officially met Kentucker. I saw him at a Q and A once and someone asked him "What is your inspiration when you write?" To which he pretentiously answered "I gave up writing a long time ago". Yes, we can tell. I would actually like to meet him one day. I would congratulate him on his success. You see, although I have a strong opinion about it it doesn't make me mad anymore. It just lights a fire under me to make good films. I've played in a band for 12 years that never had any success, yet we've seen the rise and fall of so many flavors of the month. The point is to always be real and honest, and that's what I strive to do. I have to say that I was inspired by his film, but probably in the opposite way that he would want.
A movie that inspired me in a good way, that I had not seen until this weekend was Craig Brewer's Poor and Hungry. He told a smart, beautiful story with characters and emotions. You knew what motivated them, grew to like them and felt the required emotions at their successes or failures. It was just good writing and good actors and he pulled off a huge film with no money. He's also genuine and unpretentious as a person.
Both of these films inspired me to get back to the writing desk. Let's see what happens.
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