Recently, I drove to Alabama to work on a film. God rode
shotgun.
Me: You know god, I really appreciate you letting me get
this film role.
God: Ah, you know. You bust your ass all the time, and
usually I throw obstacles in your path. I figured I could throw you a bone
every once in a while. I really just want to see how much I can put you through
before you give up. I’m like a slot machine at the casino.
Me: Well, I’ve felt like giving up a few times, but really I
press on sometimes to spite you. Also, thanks for not making the truck break
down. I know you like to pull that one on me a lot.
God: Yeah, well you’re an asshole. What can you do?
Me: You know what I was thinking?
God: Of course I do. I’m god.
Me: I was thinking that since I’m not too far from the
beach, I’d like to swing down and see the ocean on the way home. I brought my
camping gear. I’d be really nice to fall asleep to the sound of the waves, to
smell that clean salty air and to take a swim in the morning.
God: That sounds like a plan (snicker)
Me: What? What was that?
God: Oh nothing. Let’s go to the beach.
Me: No really. Why’d you laugh?
God: No reason, dude. You’re being paranoid.
Me: Hmmm. Ok…
An hour and a half later, we make it to the ocean. We end up
driving along the coast for a long time.
Me: What the fuck? There are high rise condos as far as the
eye can see! I just want a little, dark, quiet piece of beach that I can set up
a tent on.
God: Fat chance, you fucking hippy. If you want to stay at a
beach around here, you need a reservation and $250 bucks for one of these fancy
hotels.
Me: But I don’t want that! I prefer the world closer to how
it was when you created it.
God: Yeah, brah. Why don’t we kick the hacky sack and get
our chakras aligned.
Me: Why did you let these people build all this shit here?
God: Because fucking condos are fucking sweet! If you wanted
to enjoy the ocean you should have thought about that when you were in high
school and applied yourself more. You could have been a doctor or a lawyer,
then you could afford to stay in one of these sweet condos and go parasailing. But
no-oo-oo!
Me: But what about all that shit about “consider the lilies”
and “camel through the eye of a needle”and all that? I thought I was doing the
right thing by following my passion and not being so concerned with making
money. I thought I was doing what you put in to my heart.
God: Yeah well, maybe I did put that in to your heart. And you
know what I put in to the hearts of those rich people? Tha motherfuckin ocean,
bitch.
Me: I’ve been driving for hours. I’m getting tired. All I want
is 3 feet by 6 feet of earth to rest on.
God: Ooh look there! Fudpuckers! Isn’t that funny? I put
that there, you know.
Me: I know. I wish you’d put a campground.
God: Pfft. Could I get delicious waffle fries and a
hilarious t shirt at a campground? No.
Me: I am getting
hungry.
God: Well look at all this good shit I made! Mcdonalds,
Applebees, Waffle House…
Me: Ugh. I’ll pass, thanks.
God: Dude, let’s go in that store. The entrance is through a
shark’s mouth and there’s like 9000 kinds of beach towels---
Me: I don’t want fucking beach towels! You know what I want?
The sounds of the waves crashing on the shore, crickets in the grass, the stars
in the sky---
God: (singing) This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius,
The age of Aquarioooooooous---
Me: Stop singing!
God: I’m sorry. I’ll stop.
Me: Thanks.
God: AQUARIOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUSSSSS!!!!
Me: I hate you.
God: Don’t take my name in vain, brah.
Me: My eye is hurting. I can barely see out of it. Can you
please make it stop?
God: You’re doing it again.
Me: What?
God: Asking me for shit.
Me: Well, it was drilled into my head since I was a kid that
if I asked you for something and I had enough faith then you’d help me.
God: Maybe you don’t believe enough.
Me: I’m talking to you aren’t I?!?
God: Motherfucker have you ever heard of the holocaust?
Me: *sigh* of course I’ve heard of the holocaust.
God: Don’t you think all those people were praying to me for
help?
Me: Yeah, why didn’t you help them?
God: I work in mysterious ways, motherfucker!
Me: Well, if you don’t help the people that ask you, what’s
the point in believing in you?
God: You have to tell me how rad I am or I’ll make you
suffer.
Me: People suffer anyways! What are you going to do? Let the
earth be destroyed by greedy motherfuckers, make us all die of cancer?
Eventually take everything that we care about away from us? All that is going
to happen anyways! Plus, if you are all encompassing then you created all the
terrible shit too. So if you don’t help us when asked, created everything good
and terrible and are going to do whatever you want anyways, why should we
praise you?
God: I just want to be loved.
Me: You sound like a needy girlfriend. If you are omniscient
and omnipresent, then how is it that you have needs and wants? You should be
complete. You shouldn’t need or want to be loved by lesser creatures---
God: Look, there’s a TGI Fridays! Let’s pull in there and
get some Shrimp Fajita Won Ton Cheddar Poppers.
Me: That’s it! I’m pulling in to this Wal Mart parking lot!
My eye is swollen shut and hurts like a motherfucker, I’m tired, I’m afraid I’m
going to get in a wreck, there’s no hotel vacancies and if there were, I couldn’t
afford one anyways! I’m going to sleep in the truck unless you want to help me!
God: nope.
Me: Ugh! Thanks for everything!
God: You should be thankful you even have an eye. Some
people are blind.
Me: Really? Really ,God? Yes, I’m thankful I have my eyes.
It doesn’t mean that one of them doesn’t hurt like a motherfucker right now and
isn’t working properly. Do you tell blind people that they should be thankful
because some people don’t have heads?
God: Some people don’t.
Me: Good night, god.
Some time passes….
God: You asleep?
Me: I’m trying.
God: Ok sorry. I’ll be quiet.
God: How about now? You asleep now?
Me: Yes.
God: Good, because I have a surprise for you.
Me: Is it a campsite?
God: Nooooo.
Me: Is it a hotel room?
God: Nooooo.
Me: Then what is it, God?
God: It’s this cop about to fuck with you!
Me: Oh Jesus!
Cop taps on the window and shines a light in my face
Cop: What are you doing ,son?
Me: I’m sorry, officer. I just needed to shut my eyes for a
second.
Cop: You been drinkin?
Me: No sir, not a drop.
Cop: Well, this aint no rest stop! This is Wal Mart! Now you
either need to go buy something or get out of here before I take your ass to
jail!
Me: Yes sir.
I drive off.
Me: Thanks a lot, God.
God. You’re welcome. You know what? I’m sick of you. I’m
gonna go hang out with Ben Affleck. Call me if you need me….Ha! yeah right. You’re
an asshole.
