Recently, a friend asked me why I haven't published any blog posts lately. Actually, this is a person that I've never actually met, but we bonded over my stupid writings. She said that she needed something to read on her boring lunch breaks. I never really intended this to be entertainment. I write as therapy, and lately I had this feeling like I've never felt before. Fulfillment.
You see, I've been doing what I felt like I was born to do. Making movies in the woods with people I love and respect. The setting was perfect, the action and the company. But as I sit idle on a break I am overcome with what something that I should look at as an old friend. A near crippling anxiety churns in my guts as if i'm hosting one of the little creatures from the Alien movies. I feel as if I could vomit. I want to crawl under my covers and die. I want to get in my truck and drive as far as the money in my pocket will take me.
I think it's amusing to hear people's perceptions of me. Often it's so far from reality that it's amusing. People tell me all the time that i come off conceited and cocky. The truth is I've always been driven by this anxiety. It's a self loathing. I'm always pushing toward the horizon because in my mind my self worth is always tied up in what I create. I always feel that I will love myself once I accomplish X, or I will be happy when I can achieve Y. I guess that's what separates me from the truly arrogant is that in my mind I am an insignificant piece of shit. I'm not looking for reassurance. Sometimes I think this is a virtue. Striving keeps me alive. But at the same time this anxiety is also a sickness. It's a blessing an a curse. I can never rest on my laurels because I never feel that what I'm accomplishing is worth a shit. I'll always be striving.
I have a friend that told me: "a lot of people think you're a mediocre actor, but I think you're really good". I've never thought I was a good actor. But I want to be. I'm hungry for it. I'll never be satisfied. I've never thought I was good at any of this. But i want to be. I'm trying....
Recently I had one of those brief moments of clarity where I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Those are so rare, like the sun peeking through dark clouds, and I basked in this feeling while it lasted. It's amazing how I've learned to take happiness with my guard up. I look at happiness with distrust, always ready to get punched in the face at any time. I guess it's been learned over time. there's no ideal situation. Everything has teeth. You can take nothing for granted. Everything that can go wrong will eventually. I guess the key is to learn to enjoy the ride for both the ups and downs. Every fucking fall I took helped me to better stand. So why cant I enjoy the falls too? If I regret no pain I ever felt, why can't I just let my guard down? What's the source of the anxiety? I've seen the cycles and I understand they all come around. If I distrust happiness in anticipation of pain then why cant i distrust pain as well? Is pain greater than joy?
Ultimately, maybe this anxiety is a survival instinct. maybe it's what keeps me alive. Maybe it's the thing that has saved me from the fates of so many of my friends that didn't strive and gave up and lost their lives. I don't think I'm better than anyone and even if I did I know the universe doesn't give a fuck. The universe treats a million dollars and a pile of shit the same in the end. It'll all wash away from memory. The universe owes us nothing, but it doesn't mean we can't collect.
I know what'll kill it. I've got songs to write and movies to make. My brain is like an amp feeding back to drown out all the bullshit. That's all this is is feedback. Like the Tim Barry song says: "just know I won't go easy, man I'll kick and punch til there's nothing left". My creative output is just kicking and punching. I'm not here to entertain and I really don't give a fuck if anyone reads this or not. I write it for me. Not because I think I'm awesome but because I don't.
I guess the thing I had my guard up against most is myself. All the doubt and fears come from somewhere inside myself. All my chains are fashioned by myself and I take responsibility for all of them.
