I always hated it when dudes say stuff like "All bitches be crazy". I knew this was of course, not true. Yes, there are differences in the way men and women are wired and sometimes things clash. Sometimes I wonder if even the clashes are part of the overall plan...like maybe there comes a time when we're supposed to be repulsed by each other. Maybe the idea of a family unit is something man made up, but nature had an entirely different plan. I think about stuff like that all the time...how our system of morality is directly at odds with the way our natural instincts tell us to act. Which one is right? The higher self versus the lower self. God vs. the Devil...the devil not being evil in this case but just an adaptation of the great god Pan, lord of bestial urges....Here lately, though I've encountered true insanity in my involvements with women. At least, I think it is. The most recent episode was insanity without a doubt and it makes me wonder....is insanity becoming more prevalent with the times? How do these people function in the real world? Last night I tried to use reason on an insane person. it never works. You know someone is insane when you could illustrate the most well thought out and reasonable idea and they counter with the one thing they are stuck on. Last night I spoke calmly and made sense while someone just looked me in the eye and repeated "you're a piece of shit". I had a crazy ex who would always answer "you're attacking my character". I could make a power point presentation of reason and logic with graphs and pie charts and in no way be attacking her character and she would just repeat "you're attacking my character". Someone else I know says "don't threaten me". Arguing with a crazy will just wear you out.
Another person I was involved with recently had a conversation with me and then several hours later denied ever having that conversation. She did a lot of other things and at some point i told her she was batshit crazy. I'm not 100% sure she is, though. I think sometimes people are manipulative and unaware of it. It reminds me of that book, the Celestine Prophecy. Now, think what you will about that book and there is definitely some hippy dippy bullshit in there but the part about "control dramas" is right on. Basically, if every interaction between humans is an energy exchange, people develop involuntary methods of gaining energy in different situations and feeling victorious over others and generally they don't even know they're doing it. People learn these from their parents, mostly. There are 4 main ways people draw energy from others in this manner: intimidating, interrogating, playing a victim and being aloof. I sincerely believe in these. When I would argue with the specific girl I'm talking about I would feel drained, like my soul was being sucked out of my body. I honestly don't believe she is a bad person and I believe she was unaware she was doing it. It was just something she had developed in her life, and I am just sensitive to those kinds of things. I have consciously recognized this behavior and made an effort to stop it in my own life. That's why my threshold for dealing with people's bullshit is so small. I am not interested in playing gross power games with anyone. I will walk the fuck away in an instant.
Then there was the last real relationship I was in. you know, the one where she did a 180 degree personality switch and then told me Jesus told her to break up with me. I saw her months later and she had a ring with a cross on her ring finger to remind her that she was "married to Jesus". If that's not insane, what is?
Why do I care? I had a friend tell me recently that I cared too much about this kind of shit. Of course, he's happily in a relationship while I'm out courting the nation's lunatics. I go back and forth between thinking it's weak to even care about relationships and that yes, those are something that a person needs in their life. I can't lie, it'd be nice to be appreciated and to have someone to make sticky love to on the regular....and also like the Articles of Faith song says: "Stop your bitching. That's what you want. Someone to hold you in the night when you lose your guts". You see, I try really fucking hard. I look around and see most people with no goals, no purpose, no sense of destiny. People just working to eat cheetos and watch wrestling and get a nut every night. I'm fighting everyday to accomplish what I feel I'm supposed to do. I have sacrificed many forms of security and stability to let it all ride on what I believe is ultimate. I refuse to live a mediocre existence. I'm constantly seeking to fulfill myself mentally, physically and spiritually an have been relentless. It'd be nice to feel appreciated. To have someone say "I see what you're trying to do and it's honorable, now make sexy explosion on my boobs". Instead, I generally get dismissed. "he's an asshole", "he fucked me once and never did again", "he didn't fuck me and I'm mad". I bust my ass to not be mediocre and you put me in a box. Fuck you in the face.
There's this scene in the movie IP man, about the guy that popularized Wing Chun and was a mentor to Bruce Lee...Ip man just fucked up 10 dudes all at once. He comes home and his wife sees his bloody hands and starts silently bandaging them. That's what I need. Someone to bandage my bloody hands after I fight against the world. Someone to be cool water for my boiling brain. Is it weak to want that? Maybe. But I'm also here to enjoy my life. Fuck you haters. In the face.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to complete myself. I'm very introspective and always try to be complete from within. If my destiny is to go it alone, then fine. Honestly, all the insane people have burnt me out. I'll go back to trying to make shit happen for myself. In reality, I see so many people I know with fucked up marriages and relationships and I wonder why I would want any part of that. You can always learn to be happy by yourself, but you could smash your head into the wall of a bad partnership for a lifetime until you finally realized it's futile and you wasted so much time and energy. One thing you can not get back is time.
but sometimes I remember the good times I had in my life when my relationships were good and I long for that feeling....like trying to remember a song you once loved or your favorite food that you haven't eaten in years....I've just gotten so good at being by myself, and I'll stand for no bullshit. Maybe it's me that's gone insane. Maybe everyone else is normal. What I think is funny is all the people that tell me how sensitive I am. My friends that make fun of me and jokingly call me emo an shit like that. Usually they are always in relationships, snuggling up with their special boos behind closed doors. I'm not afraid to go it alone. I see the weakness and desperation in so many of your relationships. Maybe that's why I'm attracted to crazies. Maybe subconsciously I know it'll be easy to get the fuck on down when I need to. Go ahead and make fun of me for being sensitive. The proof is in the pudding. I will drop some cold blooded shit on a crazy person before I will put up with any amount of bullshit just to feel validated. Also, you need to work on your reading comprehension. I look at things from several sides. Nothing is black and white. Now, go have an argument or watch a romantic comedy or something and I'll go do something awesome.
